


OFF - The Riveting Retelling!

by TheSpaghettimobile



Category: OFF (Game)
Genre: Add-Ons Talk Now... Woop Woop, Other, Unoriginal Rewrite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-04-05 06:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14038188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpaghettimobile/pseuds/TheSpaghettimobile
Summary: A retelling of the events of OFF, by a critically acclaimed young adult bestseller /sIncludes some stuff to make it less of a copy-paste.Constructive criticsm, death threats and anything in between are welcomed with an Awaited Embrace!Crossposted from my FF.Net account under the same username.





	1. Terrifying Tutorials!

**Chapter 1: Terrifying Tutorials!**

**Please enter your name.**

**…**

**Hello?  
Oh, right. We forgot. This isn't OFF – the game anymore. It's OFF – the fanfiction written by a really bored dude.**

**Well, we're gonna assume your name is Adam. Not satisfied? Too bad!**

**You're going to be put in control of The Batter, a sport pyjama wearing duck. Make sure he doesn't destroy the world or anything.**

**…**

**Good Luck.**

 

* * *

 

The Judge purred as he dozed happily in his yellow warehouse. Soon, Zacharie would be coming to visit, hopefully with another bag of Gomez's Cat Food™.

Yes, he thought as he rolled over to bask in the sunlight streaming in from the windows, it was just going to be another day of-

BANG.

The Judge jumped a foot into the air, hissing. "Who's there?"

No response. Then again, he didn't expect one. Was this one of Zacharie's pranks?

"Zacharie, I appreciate your sense of humour." The Judge half-hissed, half-purred, trying to hide his surprise. "But I must warn you to not provoke me in this way again."

Still no response. Now The Judge was really worried.

He poked his head out of the window, just a little, and purred in amazement.

A newcomer was standing at the entrance of his zone, looking around dazedly. He looked… off. (Heh heh heh.) For some reason, he was dressed like a sports player.

The Judge was curious. What would this newcomer be like?

 

* * *

 

The Batter sighed. So, this was zone 0, He thought to himself. Doesn't look like much.

Just as he was about to lose his patience, a cat appeared from one of the exits. It was white-furred, with large yellow eyes and a rather disturbing smile.

"Greetings, newcomer." It said. "Allow me to start by saying that you intrigue me. I don't think I've ever seen a being such as you before."

"You must be The Judge." The Batter said. "I was told you could help me with my quest to purify this land."

"…And he ignores my greeting." The Judge said to himself with a hint of bitterness. "Yes, I am The Judge. Yes, I can help you with your "quest". But I don't go around lending my clawed hand to everyone who asks for it. Which, by the way, are not scant in number." He added slightly proudly.

The Batter grunted. "What do I need to do?" He asked.

"Simple." The Judge replied. "You must prove your worth in the art of combat to me. The rules are as follows," He purred, getting into his combat stance. "You must defeat me whilst retaining your own health. If you don't, the spar will be over."

"Okay." The Batter said almost instantly, raising his bat.

"Good. I can see you are at least enthusiastic." The Judge said. "Let the bout begin!"

He leapt at The Batter, claws outstretched, hoping to take him off-guard. However, the mysterious capped man kicked out, knocking him away.

"You are faster than I anticipated." The Judge chuckled. "Perhaps it is time to stop being so easy on you, Batter."

He lashed out with a Minor Aneurysm, telegraphing it only slightly. Surprisingly, The Batter evaded the attack almost flawlessly, getting only his leg grazed.

"I must say, you have an excellent puppeteer. Or, should I say, storyteller?" The Judge purred, dodging The Batter's counterattack.

"…How do you know of Adam?" The Batter asked casually, though he still didn't lower his bat.

"I am not sure how." Said The Judge. "I just do. And what sort of name is Adam?"

Adam's a common name, Judge. Or, should I say, Pab-

"Minor Sclerosis!" The Judge chanted, interrupting me. The Batter was knocked down by the blow despite anticipating it, and almost fell into the plastic.

He snarled and got back up.  He would need to use stronger attacks if he wanted to win. Sadly, the only Competence he had was Wide Angle.

There was nothing for it. He charged forwards with a basic attack…

Crit!

The Judge was sent flying head over heels, skidding to a stop next to a chest.

"Not a bad hit, Batter." He groaned, still smiling. "You'll have to do better than that, though-"

Crit!

"Okay, okay, you win the bout!" He shouted. "Please don't do that ever again, though."

The Batter put his bat away and smirked. "Fine."

"So… you have proven you can fight (Or score lucky critical hits)." The Judge said. "Now it is time for the mental side of your tests. Inside this building are a few- Batter?"

"Yeah?" The Batter said distractedly. He was busy looting the chests littered around the warehouse's exterior.

"-There are a few puzzles I would like you to solve." The Judge said tiredly. "They should be simple enough for a being like you, controlled by an external force."

Indeed they were. Most of the puzzles inside the warehouse were linear block-pressing puzzles with the answers written in plain sight. There was one where The Batter had to look around for a bit to solve, but that wasn't too bad either.

Finally, The Batter completed the last puzzle and stoically stood before The Judge.

"So, you are not a lost cause." The Judge purred. "But, there are still two things you need to begin your holy quest, both of which I can provide."

The Judge produced a card with a lion emblazoned on it from god knows where and laid it on the ground in front of The Batter.

"A Leo-Card." He said, licking his paw. "It allows you to travel to Zone 1. Now, the second object."

He turned and walked out of the exit, beckoning The Batter to follow.

Outside, a pale yellow cube bobbed up and down above the footpath. It looked thoroughly unremarkable.

"A SAVE cube." The Judge said proudly. "Not only can this recover your lost HP and CP, it can also record your progress and send you to The Nothingness, the blank plane of existence upon which you can travel at extraordinary speed between zones. This shall be your final test," He purred to The Batter. "If you truly are able to survive in the world beyond, the SAVE cube will allow you to use it. If not… well, my zone always has vacan-"

FWOOM. The Batter had placed his hand on top of the SAVE cube and had almost instantly zapped off to The Nothingness, leaving The Judge staring at blank smoke.

"…What an extraordinary man." He purred.  

 

 


	2. Barrier Blocks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Batter enters zone 1, the home of annoying speaker boxes, cigarettes and Barrier Blocks, and finds a magical onion ring. What more could you wish for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re gonna be heading into spoiler territory real fast. I recommend you finish OFF before reading on. Or not… I basically give out the solutions to some puzzles during the story. So, if you can't be asked to solve puzzles, then go right ahead.

**Chapter 2: Barrier Blocks!**

 

The Batter stood atop a strange pattern of green / black splashes and red dots. Inquisitively, he walked over to one of the dots and was greeted with some floating text that berated him for “ not having the adequate zodiac card”.

“Well.” He muttered. “Time to find Zone 1.”

After some trial and error, he found the dot that apparently represented the ‘entrance’ to Zone 1. Upon touching it, he was engulfed with a  blinding white light.

After regaining his vision, he discovered that he was no longer standing in the blackness of The Nothingness. Instead everywhere was made out of varying shades of green. Around him, the liquid plastic rose up and down steadily, lapping at the ground.

The Batter followed the green path in front of him, which led to a small platform. Just in front of that was a tram attached to a tramway. A few citizens milled around, waiting to depart. They all looked rather generic – if you looked away from one for just a second, you’d probably forget them. The fact that they all looked the same didn’t help.

One of them turned towards The Batter upon noticing him.

“Hhh… Welcome.” He said (For convenience’s sake, let’s assume all the Elsen are male). “Are you new around here?”

The Batter nodded.

“Ah! Intriguing...” The Elsen wheezed. “Well, uhh…This is the tram. It’s open 24/7 to all residents. If you want to board, you’d better be quick – it’s gonna be leaving any minute now.”

The Batter nodded again in response and quickly clambered onto the tram, sitting down next to a group of Elsen.

_“Attention. The tram is now departing.”_ A tinny voice coming out of a speaker announced. _“Please remain seated until told otherwise.”_

And with that, the tram rattled off down the tracks.

The Batter sat, saying nothing. Around him, the Elsen talked in hushed tones, some of them staring at the newcomer, who didn’t exactly look like your average resident.

“ _Attention. The tram is now approaching: Damien._ ” The tinny voice announced. _“Please remain seated until told otherwise.”_

The steady rattles of the tram began to slow down, before eventually stopping altogether with a screech.

_“All those stopping at: Damien can now exit the tram.”_ The voice chirped.

The Batter got up suddenly, scaring a few Elsen in the process, and strode  out of the tram. He didn’t know what was going on in “Damien”, but he wanted to make sure it was pure nonetheless. It was the very next area in zone 1 after “Elsen”, after all.

Damien turned out to be very similar to Elsen in terms of colour scheme– green, green and some lighter green.

“Daring with the colour scheme, I see.” The Batter muttered. He did a quick Wide Angle of the area and didn’t find anything that was either hostile or impure.

He was about to move on when he noticed large green blocks barring the way to the rest of Damien. He frowned.

“You blocks are hindering my quest to cleanse this land,” He snarled. “And therefore… YOU. ARE. IMPURE!”

He brought his bat down on one of the blocks, making a small dent  in the metal. He continued to whack away at the barrier until he noticed an Elsen trying to tug him away.

“Wh…what are…you… doing?” The Elsen panted. “You can’t just destroy the Barrier Blocks™ ! They were donated by Dedan just days ago!”

The Batter was about to shove the Elsen away until he thought better of it. After all, it would be harder to purify the zone if he made all the residents angry. He let his arms drop to his sides.

“Can you let me through, then?” He asked plaintively.

The Elsen nodded. “But only if you help us with our, uh… spectre problem. After all –“ (The Elsen looked at the dented Barrier Block™)  “you look like you can fight.”

The Batter perked up. “Spectres?”

“Y-yes.” The Elsen said. “There’s a particularly strange one we located in an annex tunnel recently. We think that’s the chief of the spectres.”

The Batter almost looked pleased. If what the Elsen said was true, he could put a major dent in the ghosts’ forces. “Lead the way, then.”

“Well, uh…” The Elsen said. “It’s right there.”

He pointed to a small stairway leading into the earth to The Batter’s right. It was glowing slightly – a sure sign of spectres. Or mutated fungi.

“Oh.” The Batter said, slightly embarrassed (but not showing it). He went down into the tunnel, clutching his bat tightly.

At the bottom of the stairway, he found the source of the white light. It didn’t appear to be a ghost, however – it was a strange white circular object, floating up and down next to some old tools.

“What… are you?” The Batter asked, perplexed.

“Good goddamn morning to you too.” A harsh male voice replied, seemingly emanating from the object.

The Batter disregarded the use of profanity in a Christian fanfiction. “Are you a ghost? Or a ghoul?”

“Jeez, what sort of ghosts did you grow up with? Go get some glasses for your tiny eyes.” The not onion ring said. “No. I’m Alpha, an add-on. You’re not gonna touch me like that cat, are you?”

“Cat?” The Batter asked. “The Judge has been here?”

“Indeed he has.” A soft voice replied. The Batter whirled around (almost hitting Alpha in the side with his bat). The Judge was standing at the foot of the stairway, grinning all the while.

“I see you too have discovered the not-form-of-appetizer-or-side-dish-commonly-found-in-cuisine-around-the-world.” The Judge said, glancing at “Alpha”. “I have attempted to communicated with this anomaly to the best of my ability-” (“Molesting me, more like!” Alpha mumbled) “-and have been largely unsuccessful, unless you count getting shouted at success. However, upon seeing your prowess at using the SAVE cube, I was hoping you could try to bond with it instead.”

The Batter’s omnipresent frown deepened. “Bond?”

“Oh, yes!” The Judge said. “If not to calm the residents of the area down, then to perhaps use it to aid your own, ah, crusade.”

The Batter shrugged and placed both his hands on the onion ring. Almost instantaneously a flash of white light burst out of Alpha, half-blinding both The Judge and The Batter.

 Upon regaining his vision, The Batter found that a large dialogue box had appeared in front of him.

**“ADD-ON ALPHA HAS JOINED THE PARTY!”**

“…Incredible.” The Judge said, blinking furiously, either out of disbelief or to clear his vision. “Well, this has been a pleasant discovery. I must take my leave.”

And with that, the curious feline bounded back up the stairs.

“By the by,” he added as an afterthought, “You may find that the personality of this “add-on” reflect that of someone you will soon encounter. Ah, how I love foreshadowing.”

And he was gone.

The Batter and Alpha exchanged looks.

“What the hell was all that “foreshadowing” crap?” Alpha demanded.

The Batter could only shrug in response. “Beats me. Let’s go and talk to that Elsen again.”

So they walked out of the annex tunnel together, Alpha bobbing alongside The Batter happily – it’s not exactly pleasant living in a dank purple room for god knows how long, and he was craving some freedom.

Once they were back up top they went up to the Elsen from before, who was busy fixing the Barrier Blocks™.

“Ahhh-!” He rasped when he saw Alpha. “The… the spectre chief!”

“Really?” Alpha groaned. “Do I LOOK like a spectre to you? God, you’ll be seeing spectres in your pudding soon.”

The Batter agreed with his new companion. “He is my new ally, and is of no threat to you. Sadly, we didn’t find anything else down there.”

The Elsen still seemed wary of Alpha. “O-OK… I’ll remove the Barrier Blocks™.”

And he hurried off into a nearby shack. After a few moments, there was the sound of metal against metal and the blocks disappeared into the ground.

“Hhh… that’s that done with.” The Elsen muttered, returning from the shack. “Though I must warn you, the smoke mines are absolutely crawling with spectres.”

“That needn’t worry you.” The Batter replied, smooth as baseball playing silk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those of you who haveplayed OFF before will know that add-ons don’t talk, but I added in this change to make them more interesting. It’s probably been done before, but meh.  
> Also, if you’re familiar with the characters of OFF, then you probably know who The Judge was referring to when he said Alpha represented someone…  
> Finally, Barrier Blocks™ are gonna be one of my pathetic attempts to make running gags. Deal with them.


	3. Grim Grinning Ghouls!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we see batter & co. beat the crap out of a lot of ghouls. (Whilst getting crap beaten out of themselves simultaneously.) So what are you waiting for? Grab some popcorn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that we've passed the dreadfully slow part of the game, it should start to pick up from here.

**Chapter 3: Grim Grinning Ghouls!**

 

“We should check our inventory before we progress.” The Batter said. He and his new companion Alpha were standing at the entrance to the main smoke mines of Damien.

“Fine. Whatever.” Alpha grunted.

The Batter turned out his pockets to reveal their contents – a Luck Ticket, two slices of Silver Flesh and the Leo-Card The Judge had given him.

Alpha snorted in amusement. “That’s it?”

“I’m sure we’ll do fine.” The Batter replied, always keeping his icy assurance.

As they entered the mines, they found a group of Elsen loitering around, apparently on break.

“No… I don’t want to go back…” One of them was  rasping. “Just five more minutes…the spectres...”

Alpha regarded them coolly. “Can’t they fight a few ghosts? Little pussies.”

The next room was much bigger. The duo began to hear noises, childish yet threatening. It sounded almost like… whispering.

The Batter wasn’t going to play the ectoplasms’ game. “SHOW YOURSELVES, CORRUPTED CHILDREN!” He cried. “I AM THE VOICE OF FORGIVENESS THAT WILL ELIMINATE YOUR CALAMITOUS FORMS!”

Alpha stared at him incredulously. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? If I had a competence that could mute, I would use it on you in a heartbeat!”

“You don’t have any competences at all.” The Batter replied as the phantoms revealed themselves. They all looked like stereotypical Halloween ghosts, floating as a large cluster before the ghostbusting pair.

A quick Wide Angle competence by the batter gave him the information he needed to know. “Common spectres. They’ve only got 10 HP, so they should be okay.”

Alpha decided to test out this claim by barrelling into one of the ghosts. It gave a shrill howl before it exploded into white mist. The others didn’t falter at the sight of one of them being defeated – instead, they all swiped at Alpha in quick succession, cracking his spherical body slightly.

Alpha grunted in pain and surprise. He backed off before the ghostly army could attack him again. “They hit harder than I thought…”

The Batter regarded Alpha’s wounds with some concern. “Thankfully, we’ve got healing items.”

He produced the Luck Ticket from his pocket and began ripping it up into slips.

“What are you-” Alpha muttered, as The Batter wrapped the pieces of Luck Ticket around his body like bandages. The pieces of yellow paper dissolved into the add-on’s body, and the wounds began to heal.  Eventually, they had all but disappeared.

“Huh.” Alpha said. “I feel fine again!”

“Well then – what are you waiting for?” The Batter replied, pointing  at the ghosts. “Attack!”

“All right, don’t rush me you little-” Alpha muttered, ramming into another spectre before retreating.

The ghosts, no longer being presented with an overly reckless target, settled on splitting their attacks between the two. Thankfully, they weren’t the most agile of beings, and barely any of their attacks found their mark.

Now it was The Batter’s time to shine. He swung his bat into a spectre’s face, where it connected with a loud BENG. The spectre dissolved and disappeared. Alpha followed suit, helping the purificatory clown whittle down the ectoplasm’s numbers.

Before long, the room was empty of spectres, and the whispering from before had gone.

“Good…” The Batter sighed, healing both himself and Alpha up using a nearby SAVE box. “That’s this room dealt with.”

The northern path was blocked off with a row of Barrier Blocks™, but the eastern path was unlocked. The Batter stared at the northern blockade for a few moments before smirking and heading to the east.

The eastern mines were much larger than the previous two rooms, and split up into a multitude of paths.

The Purifying Pair™ wandered around for a bit before noticing a chest.

“I wonder what’s in this one.”  The Batter thought out loud, walking up to it.

Suddenly, the ground began to shake, and a large, clawed hand forced its way out of the earth, attempting to grab onto The Batter’s leg. The baseball themed gladiator yelped and kicked at the hand, forcing it to retreat.

The subterranean creature wasn’t the only threat present, though – a pair of severed heads undoubtedly attracted to the sounds of fighting  flew towards Alpha, biting at his crystalline body.

“Ow – you – gerroff me, you pieces of crap!” Alpha snarled, bucking wildly in an attempt to throw the heads off.

The Batter used a Wide Angle on the heads instead of helping his add-on since, y’know, expositional info is WAY more important. “Magnolias. They can blind you if you’re not careful.”

“Just – get – them – off – of – MEEE!” Alpha cried, flying all over the place.

Meanwhile, the owner of the hand had finally forced itself out of the ground – it was large and stocky, with a long whip-like tail. It coughed out a cloud of dust and smoke before charging at The Batter, claws outstretched.

The Batter ducked under the monster’s claws and gave it a Wide Angle. “It’s called a January. 90HP, 15CP. A ghoul with a dusty breath.”

“I don’t care about your fancy RPG stats and bland descriptions!” Alpha shouted, ramming into a Magnolia and sending teeth flying. “Just help me take something out!”

The Batter nodded and started to actually help the fiery tempered add-on. He leapt over the January’s outstretched hands and slammed his bat into the one Magnolia whilst Alpha dodged the attacks of the other before counterattacking. Soon, the severed heads were defeated in a flash of white mist, and the only remaining threat was the January.

The January pondered the situation before charging  at The Batter again – it clearly wasn’t the most intelligent of beings.

Alpha immediately took advantage of the break in defence – he rammed into the side of the January’s head, knocking it to the floor where it broke down into mist, leaving behind – thank the gods – a Luck Ticket.

The Batter didn’t hesitate – he began ripping up the Luck Ticket into little slips and applying them to Alpha’s wounds like before. Soon, Alpha was back at full health.

“Man, I hope that chest contains some sweet loot.” Alpha muttered, hovering in anticipation.

The Batter didn’t answer, but curtly walked over to the chest and opened it, revealing…

“A Joker.” Alpha snorted. “How fitting is that?”

“This is gonna be more useful than you think.” The Batter replied. “This card can be used to revive anyone when they die. It’s a one-time use, though.”

Alpha seemed slightly more satisfied with the discovery. “Fine then. Let’s see what else this place has for us.”

The duo continued to explore the smoke mines, encountering more Januaries and Magnolias along the way. Thankfully, these random encounters became more bearable as the EXP they rewarded them with helped them level up. Before long, The Batter could heal using the “Save First Base” competence, and Alpha could use “Saturated Chain”, a higher-damage attack. (“Finally! My regular attacks were getting wimpy.” Said Alpha upon taking out a Magnolia effortlessly using his new skill.)

They also found a multitude of items, including cuts of Belial’s meat (mmm… demon flesh) which helped cure status effects. They rarely needed to use these since it was better to just barrel their way through encounters.

Eventually, they found a corridor leading further eastwards, but it was blocked with more… you guessed it. Barrier Blocks™!

“Guess we’re just gonna have to go up, then.” Said Alpha, hovering towards a nearby ladder leading up.

They were both greeted with what looked like a farm, with pens housing a few plump cows and large green (obviously…) barns.

“P-e-nt-el…” Alpha said, reading  the giant sign further north. “Let’s see what this place is like.”

An Elsen stepped up nervously to the two newcomers. “Uhh… who are you?”

“I’m The Batter.” The Batter replied. “This is my… ally, Alpha.”

“B-batter? What sort of name is that?” The Elsen asked. “You came f-from… the smoke mines… n-no one – it’s dangerous in there… ”

“Relax, we can handle ourselves just fine.” Alpha grunted. “We took out tons of ghouls and stuff in there.”

The Elsen looked pleased with this information. “So, you can, uh… help clear out our barns? They’ve been overrun with spectres recently.”

The Batter also perked up. “Spectres?”

The Elsen nodded. “F-five of them. They’re awfully scary. M-meat AND m-metal production has dropped because of it, and the queen’s inspector is coming over any minute now.”

“Okay.” The Batter replied. “Which building is impure?”

“Th-that one. The easternmost barn.” The Elsen said, pointing in its general direction. It was easily the largest building in Pentel.

“Let’s go, Alpha.” The Batter said, already marching ahead.

A crowd of Elsens parted to let the strange pair through.

“Who a-are they?” One of them asked. 

“I t-think they’re here to… clear out the barns.” Another replied.

“O-oh. Like that movie. SpectreCleansers…”

The Batter quickly healed up and saved his progress using a conveniently placed SAVE cube before entering the barn.

Almost immediately a spectre revealed itself. “Ah, ah!” It cried out in surprise (or happiness; hard to tell.)

A word bubble popped out of the spectre’s mouth and floated in the air alongside it.

“A Fat Spectre.” The Batter commented. “It can either summon word bubbles or deal high amounts of damage. The word bubbles can inflict bli-”

One of the word bubbles, clearly wanting to shut The Batter up but lacking a mute competence used “Chronic Migraine”, hitting him right between the eyes.

“How do YOU like it, Lord Jackass?” muttered Alpha, ramming into the word bubble and destroying it.

The Fat Spectre enjoyed picking on the now-blind Batter. It first used “Classical Talking”, a high damage competence. Then summoned a second Ah ah!.

“Not this time!” Alpha shouted, destroying the word bubble before it could do anything.

The Batter had finally recovered from the first Chronic Migraine and, shaking his head to clear his vision, finished the Fat Spectre off.

“Four more spectres left.” He muttered.

Despite the Fat Spectres being much stronger than previous enemies, the duo’s determination (and frequent trips to the SAVE block) whittled down the ghost’s forces until just one remained.

“It’s in the basement.” The Batter said confidently.

The basement was littered with metal boulders that no one bothered to collect, mainly because of the Fat Spectre patrolling the area. The Batter had to push the boulders around to make a path whilst Alpha gave him some moral support: “If you could FLY like me, you wouldn’t be in so much crap.” “Ah, no. That was probably wrong.” “You see, I would help you, but I don’t have any hands.”

By the time The Batter finished the puzzle, the fight against the spectre was almost laughable in terms of length.

“That’s the last of them.” Said Alpha, stamping out a word bubble. “Hey, look! There’s a teleporter here!”

The Batter examined the black panel on the floor. “Interesting. Let’s -”

Before he could finish his sentence, he stopped. Someone very angry and very loud was just outside the barn.

“-I can handle the ghosts myself, and instead you entrust that job to some… cricket player with an onion ring! Is this some kind of sick joke?  Are you all retarded?”

“No! Wait-I can exp-”

“Shut it! You talk when I want you to talk!” The voice snarled. “I’m off to shochiha…shachai…sha-however-you-pronounce-it! At least the people there can’t waste my time. Now, piss off! All of you!”

“Y-yes, sir…”

The Batter listened to the sound of heavy footfalls receding. “Let’s go.”

The Elsens looked up in surprise as the duo emerged from the barn basically unscathed. “You… are alive?”

“I should think so, since we aren’t dead.” Alpha replied in his usual snarky way.

“Where did the inspector go?” The Batter asked.

“Dedan went off to S-Shachihata.” One of the Elsen replied. “Via the eastern mines. He… isn’t very fond of taking the tram at all.”

“Okay. Thanks.” The Batter said, as full of emotion as ever. He and Alpha went back down into the purple corridor to find that the Barrier Blocks™ barring the way to the east had been completely wrecked. Some bore marks that looked suspiciously like they were punched with terrifying force.

“Holy…” Alpha said, lost for words. “They weren’t like that before.”

“No. They weren’t.” The Batter agreed. “This Dedan seems to be quite confident in his fighting abilities.”

They set off in hot pursuit of the foul-mouthed guardian, following the noises of carnage, only stopping briefly to collect items from the chests littered around the mine. They didn’t encounter any spectres – Dedan had basically purified the area in a matter of minutes.

“Oh, for the love of- are we gonna have to fight this Deadass?” Alpha muttered to The Batter as they continued chasing Dedan down.

“Yes. He is the primary cause of suffering in this zone.” The Batter replied.

Alpha didn’t reply, either because he didn’t know what to say in response or because he had noticed the strange masked man that was standing in front of them.

“Who are you?” The Batter asked, raising his bat.

The stranger merely chucked.

“Y’know, for once I actually agree with Mr. Straight and Narrow over here.” Alpha grunted. “Who the hell are you?”

The man turned to look at the add-on, dusting off his jumper. “Oh, my identity's not important. I’m just a side character. You’re far more significant to the plot, dear Alpha.”

“How the hell do you know my name?” Alpha sputtered.

“I know lots of things.” The man replied. “I know of your quest to purify the zones. I know your backstory that I will not reveal until much later. And I know…” (The man pointed dramatically at the camera that had magically appeared) “…Of your dear puppeteer Adam.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so much easier to write than the previous two, mainly because I find it hard to mimic The Judge's personality. Also, I just find writing for Alpha fun :>
> 
> If you don't know who the masked man at the end of this chapter is, then you may want to play OFF before reading on. Otherwise, you'll be even more confused in later chapters.


	4. Heh Heh Heh!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, The Batter discovers a weird masked man that everyone ships with sans for some reason.  
> Also, SpooOoOoky postal services!

**Chapter 4: Heh heh heh.**

 

“My name is Zacharie.” The masked man said, extending an arm in greeting. “I am the shopkeeper that is essential in every RPG and / or RPG fanfiction. I also like cats.”

The Batter hesitated for a second. “Shopkeeper?”

“Yes, yes!” Zacharie said – he seemed quite proud of his job. “I always find myself in places you will be before you arrive. I’ve already prepared for your arrival. Now, your add-on uses symbols as offensive equipment, doesn’t it?”

“It? It is a “he”!” Alpha replied. “But yes, I do.”

“Thought so,” Zacharie chuckled. “I got plenty of those. But don’t worry, dear Batter. I’ve come prepared for you as well.”

With that, he reached into a bag at his feet and pulled out a metal baseball bat.

“A Harold bat.” Zacharie said, rapping his knuckles on the handle. “+5 attack. Very durable. Only 40 credits. But if you’re looking for healing items -” (He pulled out piles of Luck Tickets and Silver Flesh) “-I’ve got them too. So, what are you waiting for? Spend those credits!”

The Batter didn’t question the strange nature of this merchant – he was glad to get his new equipment. “Thanks.”

“Goodbye for now, Adam.” Zacharie chuckled as the ghostbusters left.

“Who the hell was that guy?” Alpha wondered out loud when he was certain they were out of earshot.

“I don’t know, but he’s probably gonna be very useful in the future.” The Batter replied. “Ah. This must be Shachihata.”

Before them stood a large purple elevator. A sign next to it read: Floor 00000 – Annex office / Entrance to eastern smoke mines.

A lone Elsen sitting at a desk looked up at the newcomers. “H-hello. Can I help y-you?”

“Have you seen a loud shouty guy called Dedan come through here?” Alpha asked. “We’re trying to track him down.”

“Master D-D-Dedan…” The Elsen said, shuddering slightly at the mere mention of his name. “Yes. He said he was going to his office in the Postal Service. He’s trying to clear out the spectres there, but… they’re too numerous even for him.”

“Okay, then. What floor is the Postal Service on?” The Batter asked.

“Hhh… I don’t know.” The Elsen replied. “I know that a guy on the ground floor constantly repeats the floor number as a stamp, but I’m not allowed in there.”

“…Okay.” The Batter said. “We’ll take care of it from here.”

Floor 00001 turned out to be the reception. Inside, large groups of Elsen milled around, chanting the numbers of Forms and stamps.

“Form 2699, stamp 10333…”

“Form 6001, stamp 44991…”

“Form 1000, stamp 96710…”

“…Okay, is this a reception or a satanic cult?” Alpha asked incredulously.

“Let’s split up,” The Batter replied, deciding to not answer the question. “You take the west, I’ll take care of the east.”

“Fine, fine.” Alpha hovered off to the largest group of Elsens. “Helloo? You guys know where the Postal Service is?”

“Form 3299, stamp 10231…”

“Form 7891, stamp 99345…”

“Alright, screw you too.”

The Batter handled the situation more carefully; he took longer with each Elsen, listening to their  mumbles multiple times before moving on.

Finally, his search yielded a result. One of the Elsens repeated the same number for his stamp over and over: “10258… stamp 10258… stamp 10258…”

“Hey, Alpha!” The Batter yelled. “I’ve found the number – it’s 1025… what are you doing?”

Alpha was in the process of strangling an Elsen using his hoop-like body out of frustration. Upon seeing The Batter glaring at him, he reluctantly released the neurotic citizen who, to The Batter’s surprise, didn’t seem to notice or care.

“Floor 10258.” The baseball-suited  purifier announced, punching in the numbers as he spoke. “Let’s go.”

An odd, jazzy tune played as the elevator made its long journey up. The Batter liked it, and made a mental note to find out its name.

The doors opened.

“Postal Service.”

The Batter walked out to find…

“Nobody?”

Alpha flew over to one of the many crates littering the floor.

“Plastic.” He announced. “We’re definitely in the Post OFF(heh heh)ice.”

“Shh.” The Batter whispered. “I can hear someone.”

A single Elsen walked down the stairs, but something was clearly wrong with him; he was breathing faster, and he was shaking uncontrollably.

“What’s the matter with you?” Alpha asked with a hint of nervousness.

“I...I’m…lost…” The Elsen replied, more to himself than the curious add-on. “H..hh…help me.” His head appeared to be swelling from all the smoke he was breathing in at such an alarming rate. The Batter stepped back cautiously. Then…

BLOOSH!

The Elsen’s head exploded. A fountain of dark substance spurted out of where his neck would’ve been.

“Holy crap!” Alpha cried.

The Batter analysed the ‘Elsen’ with a (you guessed it) Wide Angle. “It’s called a Burnt. 70HP, 10CP. They only appear when an Elsen is stressed out.”

“Whatever it is, I don’t want to look at it!” Alpha shouted, horrified at how suddenly the Elsen had transformed.

“You’ll have to if you want to help me end his suffering.” The Batter replied, ducking underneath the Burnt’s arms.

Before Alpha could reply, two flying rodent-like ghouls glided into the fray.

The Batter, as per usual, Wide Angled them both. “Tiburces. 45HP, 10CP. They can lower your CP using the “Square Game” Competence.”

“Well, at least I don’t have to attack that Burnt.” Alpha muttered as he used Saturated Chain on one of the Tiburces, exploding it into white mist.

But whilst Alpha was busy dealing with one, the other Tiburce flew above The Batter, who was busy fighting the Burnt.

“HHhhha!” It shrieked, absorbing the pair’s CP.

“Piss off!” Alpha shouted in response, ramming into the ghoul (he didn’t have enough CP to use any skills). Thankfully, he scored a critical hit, making ectoplasm fly all over the place.

“Nice hit,” The Batter grunted, finishing the Burnt off with a Furious Homerun to the stomach.

As the column of black liquid sputtered and died, the rest of the Burnt’s body began to dissolve like all the other enemies they’d faced.

“Maybe his suit’s… taken control of his brain…” It rasped, before disappearing completely.

“…Weird.”   Alpha commented.  “The hell did he mean by that?”

“I don’t know.” The Batter replied. “Come on. We still need to find Dedan.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Alpha mumbled, following his ‘owner’ resignedly to explore the rest of the sinister Postal Service.


	5. Dedan's Displeasure!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More sPoOoOoOoKy postal services. Also includes multiple uses of the word "Plonker".

**Chapter 5: Dedan’s Displeasure!**

 

The Batter narrowed his eyes as he crouched behind a crate, absent-mindedly chewing on a piece of Silver Flesh to help regain his CP. Alpha did the same behind him, except he just sort of… absorbed the meat.

“There’s a guy over there.” Alpha suddenly noticed, pointing (or whatever the onion ring equivalent of pointing is) at a lone Elsen standing in front of an elevator. “And he’s not going ape-ass crazy like the others. That’s a good start.”

The Batter poked his head above the crate. “Let’s go talk to him.”

The Elsen gasped in surprise as he saw the two strange beings approach him. “H-how… what…”

“Take your time.” Alpha growled, praying the man didn’t become a Burnt.

“Hhh…” The Elsen wheezed. “I’mnotguardingthesecretelevatorIdon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout…”

The Batter and Alpha exchanged looks.

“I-I’m not letting you  past, though… unless you’ve got the password?”

Now The Batter frowned in confusion. “Is it… 10258?”

“H-how did you know?” The Elsen cried. “I spent ages thinking of the code!”

“Well, it IS the floor number.” Alpha replied bluntly.

“Hhhh…” The Elsen rasped, clearly overwhelmed. Soon, he began to hyperventilate – a sure sign he was going to become Burnt.

“Get back…” The Batter murmured to Alpha. “Some Tiburces will be appearing any second now.”

Sure enough, the second the poor man’s head exploded into smoke two of the flying pests floated through the ceiling. They cackled happily and started to guzzle the black liquid pouring out of his body.

“That’s absolutely disgusting.” Alpha commented.

“Then stop them!” The Batter called back, already charging towards the Burnt, humming  the tune he heard in the elevator.

* * *

 

Blah, blah blah. Tiburces and Burnt defeated.

“No… the…elev-a-t-o-r…” The Elsen sighed, before breaking up into white mist.

The Batter stepped over where the Elsen’s body was and opened the door to the elevator. “This should be able to get us to The Director.”

“Yeah! Let’s get our asses kicked faster!” Alpha whooped sarcastically, but he followed the Batter inside anyway.

The trip was much shorter than expected; the doors slid open again in a matter of seconds.

“The Director’s office.” Alpha read. “Whoop-de-doo.”

They didn’t have long to celebrate sarcastically, though – a massive BOOM that seemed to shake the whole building resounded from behind a door.

“Miserable ghosts!” Dedan screamed. “Get outta my office!”

The Batter ran towards the door and bashed it in with his bat. The lock broke under the impact, and Alpha helped ram the door open, charging into Dedan’s office.

Dedan didn’t pay any attention to the strange baseball player and his add-on; he was busy with the mass of spectres and ghouls that had invaded his office.

“This ought to teach you!” Dedan shouted, raising his fists. “Sweep hand!”

A gigantic wave of energy erupted from his hands, obliterating half of the ghostly army; the other half began to attack themselves uncontrollably, ripping their white bodies apart in a fit of madness.

Soon, the room was littered with white mist.

“Hhh… hhh… Spectres in my office, spectres in the barns, it’s just spectres, spectres, SPECTRES!” Dedan cried, smashing his desk in frustration. “How could this day get any…” He finally noticed The Batter and Alpha standing in the doorway. An awkward silence filled the air.

“…I…It…It’s YOU!” Dedan screamed, breaking the silence. “You are the source of all my problems! You arrive here, thinking you own the place, and you manage to wreck my haven of prosperity in less than a day!”

Alpha didn’t say anything: he was baffled as to how utterly wrong Dedan was.

“You’re mistaken.” The Batter replied, showing no sign of unease. “I’m a purifier. I fight the impure spirits that taint this world.”

“You little plonker.” Dedan ranted. “You have the gall to talk back to me?! Listen up. If I see you again, you’re dead. Now PISS OFF OUT OF MY ZONE!”

The hot-blooded leader took out a card emblazoned with a picture of a crab. “I hope I’ve made myself clear.”

And with that he teleported out of the office.

Alpha turned to The Batter. “What a nice fellow.”

The Batter didn’t respond. He was busy opening a chest which contained nothing more than a few badges labelled “EMPLOYEE OF THE ALMA MEATWORKS”.

In smaller print, another line of text read: “Only given out to those who have been promoted to the highest rank by the queen’s overseer himself.”

“These’ll come in handy.” The Batter commented, pinning one onto his tunic.

“I’m not wearing one of those.” Alpha said bitterly.

“I wasn’t going to offer one.” The batter replied smoothly. “Now, let’s go to Damien.”

His add-on paused abruptly. “Damien? The smoky place? Why the hell would you want to go there? I didn’t like that place, and I don’t even have lungs!”

The Batter smirked in response. “You’ll see.”

They took the lift back down to the ground floor and exited Shachihata. The calming plastic and fresh, uh, smoke was a welcome sight after the drab purple of the Postal Service. The Batter walked towards the tram station located literally five feet away from the office building and boarded the tram, Alpha in tow.

“If you could cut all the vague crap and just tell me what awaits us at Damien that would be nice.” Alpha growled impatiently.

“Fine.” The Batter grunted. “I’m gonna use the status this badge gives me to gain access to the northern smoke mines. I must cleanse it like all the others.”

“…Did we even finish cleaning up the smoke mines?” Alpha asked.

“…” No answer from The Batter.

“Fine. Ignore me, then. Asshole.”

The tram juddered to a halt at Damien’s platform.

“ _All those stopping at: Damien can now exit the tram._ ”

* * *

 

The Batter hurried away from the platform and entered the residential area of Damien once more, his gaze lingering for just a second over the annex tunnel where he’d first encountered Alpha.

Some  of the Elsen in Damien gasped and pointed at The Batter’s badge as he sped past. “You… work at… Alma?”  “What’s an employee of Alma doing here?” “He must’ve worked very hard to get that badge…”

The Batter, however, paid barely any notice to them. “Get out of the way, I’ve got important business to attend to in the smoke mines!”

The Elsens parted reluctantly, letting the strange man through into the smoke mines.

“As I thought.” The Batter exclaimed, clapping his hands together. “The northern Barrier Blocks™ have disappeared.”

He sounded... excited? Or was Alpha just imagining things? “What’s there to be excited about?” He asked The Batter bemusedly.

The Batter didn’t answer, of course.

“Hey, Mr. talkative, I asked you a question!”

Still no answer.

“Boy, you are fun to be with.”

The Batter either didn’t register what the hot-blooded ring had said or didn’t care, but he proceeded north anyway.

The northern mines were largely empty – no spectres or miners were to be seen. Instead, six chests littered the floor, untouched and practically begging to be opened.

“Oh, wow.” Alpha said, almost lost for words. “We can get a lot of healing items out of OH HOLY SH-”

A horde of ghosts began swarming out of the chests, giggling at the intruders. They looked largely unremarkable, being similar in shape to their common counterparts. However, one of their eyes was covered with a large, almost cartoonish X.

“One-Eyed Spectres.”  The Batter announced with a Wide Angle (“Geez, how long did it take to come up with that?” Alpha commented). “65HP, 10CP. They don’t have any special abilities, other than a high attack stat and a light weakness against metal.”

The spectres didn’t seem happy with The Batter reading them like a book – a few of them charged at him, swinging at his stomach and making him double over in pain.

“Piss off!” Alpha cried, hitting one of the ghosts with an Awaited Embrace, poisoning it. (Don’t ask me how that works.)

Alpha’s boisterous entrance into the fray took some attention off The Batter; he was able to use his healing competence “Save First Base” on himself before jumping back in.

The spectre’s vulnerability to metal was of a great help to the pair; The Batter’s recently acquired competence “Run with Courage” was an elemental attack, dealing extra damage to the half-blind pests and usually one-shotting them.

“Alpha, do you need any help?” The Batter asked, charging at a spectre aggressively. “…Alpha?”

Alpha didn’t respond, which was highly unusual. Looking around, The Batter saw why. “Ah.” Alpha was on the floor, his body darkened like a broken lightbulb, its usual glow gone. He was well and truly dead.

“Good thing we’ve got this,” The Batter sighed, taking out the Joker. He placed it in the middle of Alpha’s body and waited. Within seconds, Alpha had absorbed the magical playing card and was alive again, albeit slightly shaken. (Both mentally and physically; the Joker only revives people with a certain portion of HP)

“Remember when you laughed at getting the Joker out of a chest?” The Batter said smugly.

Alpha coughed a little. “Shut up.”

The Batter smirked and finished off a one-eyed spectre.

Soon, the room was empty.

“So… what’s in these chests?” Alpha asked, floating anxiously. “I hope they’re to DIE for.”

The Batter detected a hint of bitterness in the add-on’s voice. “I’m sure they’ll be-”

He stopped suddenly, clutching at his head. His bat dropped to the floor with a loud crack.

“B-Boss?” Alpha said, praying The Batter didn’t become a Burnt or something. “A-Are you okay?”

“ **Batter… what are you doing? Dedan is in Alma…and he is vulnerable.  Stop him before he has time to righten his forces!** ”

“I will!” The Batter cried. “After I finish my job here! The smoke mines are still imp-”

“ **We do not care about the smoke mines. We only care about the guardian of the zone now.** ”

“I-I promise I will go straight to Alma!” The Batter pleaded to somebody.

“ **Don’t test our patience again.** ”

Slowly, The Batter’s breathing  returned to its regular pace, and he began to calm down.

“Uhh, Batter?” Alpha asked. “What the hell was that?”

“It was nothing…”

“You were clutching at your head saying to me that you’d go straight to Alma.” Alpha interrupted.

The Batter shot his add-on a cold look. “There were voices inside my head, okay? They told me to not test their patience again.” The man stood up shakily. “We should leave them.” He said, pointing to the chests.

Alpha shook his body. “Uh-uh. I literally DIED for them. If you’re too scared to open a few chests, then  I’ll just open them for you.”

The Batter watched as Alpha quickly gathered up the contents of the chests. “Thanks.”

“Whatever. I don’t even know what these do.”

The Batter gave them a quick look (ah ah ah, you thought I was going to say Wide Angle, didn’t you?)

“These are zodiac orbs.” He said, walking briskly towards the exit. “They increase your statistics permanently by a small amount.”

“…Oh.”

“Of course, since I am the lead purifier, I’ll be using all of them on myself.” The Batter nodded, climbing back up the stairs to residential Damien.

“Hey!”

The Batter sighed. “Fine, you can have the Espirit orb.”

“…Thanks, I guess?”

Now, the purifying pair, buffed up and refreshed, stepped onto the tram, which rattled down the tracks towards Alma and, more importantly, Dedan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The passcode to the secret elevator isn't actually 10258; in the game, you've got to note down the passcode through a bunch of notes, like "First Version: They've got seven fingers on each hand" or something.  
> Dedan's British now.  
> Sweep Hand doesn't inflict madness in the game, but making the ghosts fall asleep just didn't seem right.


	6. Beef and a Chief!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a title like that, how could you not be hooked!?

**Chapter 6: Beef and a Chief!**

 

Dedan scowled as the Elsens milled around him, bombarding him with pointless questions and queries.

“M-master Dedan, We’ve had a break-in at the northern smoke mines!”

“Sir…? Someone spotted a ghoul in the Meat Rivers.”

“Dedan, sir? Someone-”

“ENOUGH!” Dedan roared, silencing the crowd. “Listen up. Some bastard ghost chief is running around this place. He’s probably gonna be heading here any minute now.”

The Elsens broke into frightened mutters, but Dedan either didn’t notice or didn't care.

“I’ll be in my office.” He snarled. “If I see him at all, you can say good-bye to your pathetic jobs.”

He turned on his heel and stormed into the flesh maze, leaving the Elsens muttering anxiously behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

 

_“All those stopping at: Alma can now exit the tram.”_

The Batter stood up and walked out of the empty tram, Alpha in tow.

“Not many people work at Alma, it seems.” The Batter acknowledged. “I wonder why.”

“Probably because of those badges you get.” Alpha replied sarcastically. “Who are you talking to, anyway?”

No reply from The Batter. Alpha sighed in frustration.

(Ironic isn’t it? In the game the Add-Ons never talked, and The Batter – Oh, yeah. The story.)

The pair walked into Alma and were greeted with a lone Elsen barring a door. To his right were a bunch of calendar pages.

“Hhhello.” He whispered. “If you want to get through… then you’ll have to answer some questions.”

The Batter scowled. “Why?” He asked, tapping his bat on the ground impatiently.

“New security measures.” The Elsen whispered. “And please don’t look at me like that; I’m just acting under D-Dedan’s orders…”

Alpha sighed in frustration. “Clonk this guy over the head, Batter.”

“Yes. I can clonk him over the head here. Good idea.” The Batter replied, swinging his bat into the man’s skull with a BENG.

“Dude – what the hell!” Alpha cried, astonished at his owner hitting a defenceless man. “That was a joke!”

“We’ve got to get to Dedan as fast as we can.” The Batter replied, stepping over the Elsen’s body. “We can’t waste time on trivia. He probably would’ve become Burnt anyway.”

Alpha followed him mutely, staring at the felled Elsen.

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of Alma was much more expansive than the dingy entrance room. Vast rivers of meat flowed freely, gushing up and down like red plastic. The floor, as per zone 1, was made of bright green metal, and pedalo points sat nonchalantly, waiting to be used.

“Buenos dias, Adam!” Zacharie called out, waving. “Enjoying the view?”

Alpha hovered suspiciously. “Do you work here or something?”

“Oh, my dear somehow-able-to-talk add-on, you flatter me.” Zacharie chuckled. “I’m just a humble merchant that happens to find himself in places you will be before you arrive. But, then again… Why question it when I’ve got equipment and items ripe for the harvest?”

The Batter approached the masked merchant. “Three Luck Tickets and two pieces of Silver Flesh.” He said, handing over the appropriate number of credits.

Zacharie nodded and produced the healing items from his rucksack. “Anything else?” He enquired, handing the consumables to The Batter.

“Yeah, could you also get us a Joker?” Alpha said with a scowl (If he had a face). “I don’t feel like staying dead.”

Zacharie laughed as he exchanged one for 120 credits. “Yes, I heard about that unfortunate event. I guarantee you those orbs were worth it – they’re some of the rarest items in the game – I mean, Fanfiction.”

The Batter took the Joker. “Does Dedan live in this area?”

Zacharie nodded. “Indeed he does. He lives in the large building over there. Of course, it’s Barrier Blocked™ off right now. You can find the passcode by exploring the zone in pedalos – little pedal-powered boats. There’s plenty of delivery points around here.”

“Thanks.” Said The Batter. “We’ll be off then.”

 

* * *

 

 

An Elsen gasped at the sight of The Batter. “You’re… the g-ghost chief Dedan warned us about!”

The Batter scowled. “Ghost chief?”

“Y-yes. I-I’m not going to let you get to the pedalos!” The Elsen stuttered, moving between the delivery point and the duo.

“You are mistaken.” The Batter said. “I’m not a spectre. I’m a liberator.”

The Elsen stopped. “Liberator?”

“Yes.”

“O-oh, well then…” The Elsen sighed. “Can you liberate me?”

His head exploded the second he finished speaking, releasing the pungent smoke within.

“That was unexpected…” Alpha muttered, hanging back for any Tiburces.

“This zone is malignant.” The Batter replied, swinging his bat into the Burnt’s stomach. “I would imagine things like this happen all the time, judging by how the guardian runs it.”

He began humming the jazzy tune he heard in the elevator again as he waited for the Burnt to retaliate. It was a pity he didn’t know the song name.

Two Tiburces descended on either side of the Burnt, having sensed the fight. They advanced, cackling all the while.

“Alpha, use Saturated Chain on the left Tiburce!” The Batter cried, taking the right-most one with “Run with Courage”.

Alpha bobbed in agreement. “Sure. Take this, you little pest!” He growled, striking it with a Chain Attack.

Meanwhile, the Burnt lurched forwards and swung at The Batter, knocking him dangerously close to the peppery steak-filled rivers.

Wait a minute, The Batter thought, rolling away from the Burnt’s attempts to sever his head. Pepper Steak. That’s the-

“Hey, Batman!” Alpha grunted. “Mind helping me take explody-brain here out?”

The Batter came back to his senses and whacked the Burnt in the leg with his bat, knocking it OFF-balance (heh heh). As it fell towards him, he dove out of the way, letting it fall into the meat river behind him.

“Perhaps it’s better this way…” The Burnt sighed, before disappearing into the red depths.

“I’m not eating meat from this place ever again.” Alpha commented.

“How do you eat anyway?” The Batter asked.

“… Shut up.”

The duo approached the delivery point the Elsen was guarding.

“What does this do anyway?” Alpha asked.

“Let’s find out.” The Batter replied, pressing a button on the pedalo point.

With a dull ringing sound, a pedalo plopped into existence in the meat beside them. It was shaped like a cartoonish duck.

“I’m not getting on that.” Alpha said, eyeing the pedalo balefully.

“Suit yourself.” His owner replied, mounting the duck-boat.

 

* * *

 

 

The Batter rode his pedalo gracefully over the meaty river, listening to the disturbing but also calming squelches the pedals made. As he pedalled, he noticed large pairs of numbers engraved into the metal on either side of him, but he didn’t take much notice of memorizing them. That was the job of the fanfiction writer / puppeteer / let’s player.

Alpha, meanwhile, hovered a good distance behind him like an edgy teen trying to pretend he’s not related to his family in public. Seriously though, he thought. Who in their right mind would want to go OH CRAP-

A large alligator-like ghoul dove out of the meat below Alpha and grabbed him in its jaw.

“Get off me, you toothy pest!” Alpha shrieked, chaining all over the place. (Please don’t take that the wrong way.)

The Batter stood up from his seat and Wide Angled the gator. “A Troquantary. 100HP, 10CP. An aquatic ghoul with a radiant smile and a light weakness against plastic.”

“Oh, good now that you know its name!” Alpha cried. “Now help me break some of its teeth!”

The Troquantary smiled gleefully as it bit into Alpha’s body, its teeth shining in the sunlight.

The Batter reluctantly started to help his chewed-up add-on when he was almost knocked off his pedalo by another Troquantary. He yelped and flailed wildly, trying not to fall into the meat that definitely doesn’t conform to health standards.

Alpha finally managed to get a good hit in on some of the Troquantary’s teeth. It growled in pain and threw him as far as it could, almost sending him straight into The Batter.

“Took you long enough.” The Batter said. “Perhaps you should’ve stayed closer.”

“Hey, next time YOU get all chewed up and I sit on that ridiculous thing and make unhelpful comments.” Alpha snarled, snatching a Luck Ticket from The Batter’s pockets and using it on himself.

“…” The Batter had occupied himself with whacking a stubborn Troquantary in the teeth. It howled, either out of pain or because of the dental fee it would have to pay, and dove back into the meat.

Yeah, no. That meat is definitely not gonna be served at any Gordon Ramsay restaurants anytime soon.

The Batter continued sailing down the meat stream, Alpha hovering behind cautiously, jumping at any sudden movements he saw below him.

Finally, The Batter parked his pedalo at a jetty NW of Dedan’s flesh maze. A pod of puzzle blocks arranged like a keypad bobbed up and down in an isolated pool of meat.

“That must be where you input the number sequence written in the river.” The Batter said, making sure the reader knew what was probably already obvious. “Let’s go.”

Sadly, his previous pedalo had already been recycled into the meat due to lack of use. You’re going to have to use a new one, Batter. Ah ah ah.

The Batter scowled and approached a nearby pedalo point guarded by an Elsen.

“I don’t want to be a Burnt…” The Elsen murmured. The Batter knew what was coming, and raised his bat just before the man again succumbed to his own fears.

Two Tiburces swooped down as usual, because we all need a little less CP in our lives.

The Batter sighed and used “Run with Courage” on one of them, scoring a crit. Meanwhile, Alpha used “Saturated Chain” on the other, taking it down in one hit as well.

The Burnt lumbered forwards and swung at Alpha, knocking him back. He grunted, but stood his ground and retaliated with another Saturated Chain.

The Burnt didn’t last long after that – The Batter finished its suffering with a basic attack.

“Well, crap.” It muttered, before breaking up as the Tiburces had done.

“NOW let’s input the sequence.” The Batter said, pressing the button to summon a pedalo. “I hope Adam remembered it.”

Ah. That’s a bit of a problem…

“What?” The Batter asked.

You see, I don’t remember the sequence, and can’t be bothered to look at gameplay footage to remind me of it. Tell you what, howabout I just open up Dedan’s office for you?

“…Well, what was the point of coming here then?” The Batter said, annoyed at the story’s lack of loyalty to the game.

Beats me. Here, have these to cheer up.

**Ten Eyes have been found!**

“…Whatever.” The Batter said, pocketing the Eyes. “Let’s go back, then.”

The pair got back onto another pedalo and began sailing back, stopping to bonk the occasional Troquantary on the nose.

When they came back, they found that the Barrier Blocks™ Blocking™ Dedan’s Flesh Maze™ had disappeared.

“Hello again, Batter, Alpha and Adam!” Zacharie called, waving. “Back so soon?”

“We’ve got to find Dedan as quickly as possible.” Said The Batter, not actually responding to the question like the nice guy he is.

“Yes.” Zacharie said, as cheerful as ever. “Need some supplies? The flesh maze isn’t the most welcoming of places.”

The Batter shrgged – he’d earned quite a few extra credits after battling so many Troquantaries and Tiburces and Burnts. “Two pieces of Belial’s Meat, two Luck Tickets and a piece of Silver Flesh.”

Zacharie nodded. “440 credits, please.”

The Batter handed over the dull orange coins.

“Many thanks, amigo.” Zacharie said, producing the healing items. “I hope your endeavour goes well…”

 The Batter bade goodbye to the masked merchant and set off into the flesh maze, only to be surprised by…

“Zounds!” The Judge cried, jumping back to avoid getting trampled by The Batter’s boots. “Please do not do that ever again, Adam.”

…What? You’re blaming me now?

“Sorry.” The Batter grunted, sidestepping the disgruntled feline.

“I should think so.” The Judge purred. “Hello there, Zacharie.”

“Greetings, Pa- Judge.” Zacharie chuckled. “Enjoy the music?”

“Of course,” The Judge replied. “Nothing like a good morning run around the flesh maze to stimulate the senses.”

Alpha’s curiosity was piqued. “Hey, bootleg Cheshire cat! What’s special about this flesh maze anyway?”

The Judge’s smile got wider. “Why, the music of course.”

He sauntered off, flicking his tail at the pair, chuckling to himself: “How I love giving people cryptic hints.”

The Batter and Alpha exchanged looks.

“Whatever.” The Batter said carelessly. “We’ll be ready.”

And he entered the Flesh Maze.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m not ready for this…” Alpha panted as he hovered tiredly after The Batter, who was busy charging around the various rooms of the maze. Every so often, they would be faced with a horde of spectres, odd four-legged ghouls called Arpagons and unfortunate Elsen that had wandered around aimlessly before finally becoming Burnt. These battles, while not hard at all, were definitely annoying, and before long the duo had begun to show signs of exhaustion – The Batter’s breathing had become more laboured, and Alpha looked like an onion ring that had been left out in the rain.

“…We’re back at the…start?” The Batter suddenly said, panting.

It was true – outside they could see the Meat Rivers slowly flowing around the rest of Alma, with various Elsen bottling the meat whilst sailing their Pedalos.

“There’s… got to be a… solution to that maze.” The Batter sighed, making a quick trip to the SAVE cube to heal him and Alpha up.

“Well, that smiley cat said something about the music.” Alpha commented, no longer looking like a half-eaten appetizer thanks to the SAVE cube. “Let’s listen to that instead of running around like a goofball. Which, by the way, you are.”

The Batter ignored the rather feeble insult. “I’ve got an idea!” He said, turning on his heel. “What if we listen to the music carefully in each room?”

And he dashed back into the maze, leaving Alpha bobbing after him angrily.

Once again, The Batter found himself at one of the intersections that made up so much of the maze. He closed his eyes to help him concentrate on the odd, slightly chaotic music that blared from god knows where as he walked around.

Suddenly, he knew what to do. He stopped and walked towards the North door:

 **CONVENIENT RANDOM ENCOUNTER TIME!**  


“God DAMNIT!”

**ONE RANDOM ENCOUNTER LATER:**

The Batter walked towards the North door. As he approached, he realised the music coming from nowhere had seemingly become louder.

“This is it.” He said to Alpha, and leapt through, to find himself in another intersection.

“I think that worked.” He said to himself, trying the same method again.

This time, the music got louder when he approached the East door.

“This one.” He motioned to Alpha, who was still hyper salty about The Batter taking his idea without crediting him.

“Fine, fine. You little…” He muttered, floating resignedly behind his handler.

The rest of the maze was fairly similar: The Batter would walk around a bit, bash any Arpagons present on the snout, and listen to where the music was loudest. This process was repeated many times, until…

“…This is new.”

The previous door hadn’t led The Batter to another intersection, like he was expecting. Instead, a long purple footpath stretched ahead, with meat flowing on either side.

“A SAVE block.” The Batter noted, healing up. “At the end of that corridor is something important.”

“Or overly grumpy and loud.” Alpha grunted.

“Only one way to find out for sure…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: the showdown.


	7. Dedan's Purification.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The showdown. 90% Fighting scene, 10% Random stats.

**Chapter 7: Dedan’s Purification.**

The Batter grimly stood outside the entrance to Dedan’s office. “Let’s quickly check our inventory and stats before we purify Dedan,” He said, turning out his pockets.

-Inventory-

5X Luck Ticket  
3X Silver Flesh  
1X Joker  
1X Abbadon’s Meat  
3X Belial’s Meat  
1X Leo-Card  
9X Eye

“That seems like enough to me.”  The Batter said, stuffing the items back into his tracksuit bottoms. “Now for our competences.”

-The Batter- Lvl6

Competences:

Wide Angle  
Save 1st Base  
Run With Courage  
Furious Homerun  
  
-Alpha- Lvl6

Competences:

Saturated Chain  
Awaited Embrace

“Looks good.” He confirmed before exiting the menu. “Let’s purify Dedan.”

 

* * *

 

 

Dedan paced around his office worriedly, drumming his lanky fingers on his desk. A 15% increase in the amount of Burnts today… if they kept panicking he would have no more citizens to lead…

Not only that, but the smoke mines were practically deserted. No Elsen would be brave enough to wander down into the galleries to help harvest the element that kept them alive. The barns and the Meat Rivers were just as bad; only the post office had sufficient exports to keep up with the demands of other zones, and even then it was full of phantoms as well…

Phantoms…

Dedan slammed his fist into the wall, frothing with rage. “It’s all because of those damned SPECTRES! SPECTRES! SPECTRES EVERYWHERE! EVEN IN MY OWN HOME! I-”

He stopped mid-sentence – he sensed someone behind him…

He whipped around to find that BATTER and his onion ring staring back at him stupidly.

“You!” He screamed. “Are you crazy, or just mentally retarded?! What part of “Piss out of my zone” didn’t you understand?”

The Batter stepped forwards. “I’m here to purify you, Dedan. Your zone shall suffer no more.”

Dedan frowned. “Purify? D’you mean kill or something? Speak English, will you?!”

“Basically, yeah.” Alpha snarled. “We’re gonna kick your ass, Deadass.”

Dedan stared at Alpha and The Batter in turn. Then, he doubled up laughing.

“You…think you can… beat me?” He howled, wiping tears from his eyes. “You… ah… you’re even stupider than I thought…”

He vaulted over his desk, landing on the floor with a loud THUMP. “By the Queen’s thousand faces, I will make you taste true pain!”

He slammed a left hook into The Batter’s cheek, sending him flying. To his surprise, however, the oddly-dressed man was back on his feet almost instantly, counterattacking by swinging his bat into Dedan’s jaw.

Alpha had also swooped in for an attack. “Hope ya like poison, Toothy! Awaited Embrace!”

The attack hit Dedan right above his heart. However, he didn’t look poisoned at all. Just mildly annoyed.

“You fool.” Dedan cackled. “I am an envoy of the Queen. I’m FAR stronger and more resistant to damage than anything in this zone. Including you!” He finished, ripping his desk out of the ground and throwing it at The Batter, who ducked just in time letting the desk crash harmlessly into the wall behind him.

“Is that the best you can do?” The Batter asked smugly.

Dedan’s face contorted into a leer. “Certainly not! Hour hand!” He yelled, throwing a bolt of energy out of his fists at Alpha, who was sent crashing into the wall and didn’t get up.

“Alpha! You can’t die now!” The Batter scolded, using “Furious Homerun” on Dedan. “…Alpha?”

“Zzzz…” Alpha had somehow been inflicted with Sleep, and was now dozing next to the remains of Dedan’s desk.

The Batter cursed under his breath. “We’ll have to use these sparingly,” He reminded himself, throwing a Belial’s Meat at Alpha, who absorbed it instantly.

“Zzz…Huh? What?” He muttered. “I was having a great dream about space apes…”

Dedan glared at The Batter. “Plenty more attacks where that one came from, asshole!” He shouted. “Sweep Hand!”

Another wave of energy erupted from his fist, striking The Batter in the stomach. He fell to the ground, snarling something intelligible.

“Batman?” Alpha said. “You alright? You’re actually showing emotion OH ‘ELL-”

The Batter had suddenly launched himself at Dedan, whacking at every part of him he could find.

Dedan laughed. “Much more predictable now, aren’t you, runt?” He leered, kicking The Batter over. “And your attacks don’t even hurt me!”

Alpha glared at the corrupt guardian. “What have you done to him?”

“Wanna find out?” Dedan shouted, raising his fists again, ignoring the furious Batter clawing at his shin. “Sweep Hand!”

The wave of energy burst from his hand again, flying straight towards Alpha.

However, Dedan had been a bit too cocky with his attack; it flew wide, just missing the add-on.

“Damnit!” He cursed. “Get out of my way, you prig!” He shouted at The Batter, who was still clawing manically at his shin.

“Hey, Batter!” Alpha yelled. “God, I hope this works…”

He fished a piece of Belial’s meat out of the furious Batter’s pockets and forced it down his throat hastily, getting grease everywhere. (Please don’t take that the wrong way...)

The Batter stopped trying to eat Dedan’s leg and looked around confusedly. “W-what happened?” He slurred. “And why is my jersey all greasy?”

“I just stopped you from becoming as salty as that asshole.” Alpha said, ducking under Dedan's incoming right hook. “Now get up.”

The Batter nodded and healed himself up using a two Luck Tickets. “Much better.” He sighed.

Dedan glared at The Batter, now healed up back to full. “That doesn’t matter.” He snarled. “You’ll die just the same.”

He launched himself at The Batter, trying to pin him to the ground, but missed and tumbled into the wall behind him. He tried to get back up, cursing loudly as Alpha clonked him in the side of the head with “Saturated Chain”.

“Nice shot.” The Batter commented, following up with “Furious Homerun”.

Dedan growled as the attack hit him in the ribs, but didn’t show any other signs of hurt. He got back to his feet and raised his fists again. “Minute Hand!” He shouted, launching a supersonic wave of energy at Alpha.

The attack was too fast for Alpha to dodge, but he took the blow well, taking only minor damage.

“Uh.” Alpha grunted. “You little pissant…”

“That’s my catchphrase!” Dedan growled. “How dare you copy my mannerisms?”

The Batter took advantage of the distraction. “Furious Homerun!” He yelled, hitting Dedan in the back.

This time, the foul-mouthed guardian felt the attack, and stumbled forwards a step. “What the…” He grunted as he regained his balance. “How did… you… you little…”

Dedan let out a jumbled stream of curses and swears, ranting at no one in particular. Then, he began laughing. “You pathetic… hhh… I’m gonna…”

His laughter began to manifest itself into a physical form. A large speech bubble popped out of his gigantic jaw, floating in the air. In the centre of it, the word 笑 hovered mockingly in a circle around Alpha, jabbing him playfully, laughing all the while.

Alpha started shaking uncontrollably, not out of pain, but out of anger. “You can go straight to hell!” He yelled, ramming into the bubble, destroying it instantly without using any stronger attacks.

The Batter, meanwhile, was busy duelling Dedan, who was now stumbling slightly out of pain. “Furious Homerun!” He yelled, whacking Dedan in the forehead.

The guardian was knocked down by the force of the blow, but retaliated with “Minute Hand”. However, The Batter merely took the attack, only wobbling slightly before regaining his balance. Dedan stumbled back, almost worried. What if he could lose this fight? He shook the thought from his head. No one had bested him in a duel before, and it would remain that way forever...

He leapt to his feet again, spurred on by this thought. “Hour hand!” He shouted, launching the attack at Alpha, inflicting a critical hit and sleep.

“Alpha, not now!” The Batter scolded, hitting Dedan in the chest with “Run with Courage”. “We’ve got work to do!”

He got out a piece of Belial’s meat, ready to use it on his add-on. But he was too slow…

“Minute hand!” Dedan cried triumphantly, hitting Alpha before The Batter could do anything. The add-on was tossed through the air, lifeless and unmoving.

“Hah!” Dedan yelled, rounding on The Batter, who was stuffing his hands back into his pockets frantically. “Weak, weak, weak! You are all so very weak! Defeated after a single blow! A change of tactics was all I needed.” he cackled. “If I focused on my attacks more and forgot about defence, this could all be over quickly!”

He strode towards The Batter, his coat flapping behind him like a cape. “I’m gonna spring past that bat and crush your skull until it pops.”

“Think so?” The Batter said, finally fishing out a Joker from his pocket. “Be my guest!” He yelled, throwing the playing card at Alpha’s body.

“What the-?” Dedan cried as the card landed in the centre of Alpha, scoring a straight bullseye. The add-on’s body absorbed the card, and was soon reanimated by it.

Alpha whirled around drowsily. “Ah! I’m not dead…” He cried.

Dedan screamed in fury, despite having not used Sweep Hand on himself, as far as The Batter could tell. “Why… won’t… you… just… DIE?!” He raged, throwing another wave of energy at Alpha, who dodged the attack by a millimeter...

“Furious Homerun!” The Batter yelled from Dedan’s right, knocking the guardian’s legs out from under him. Dedan fell to the floor, and, to his horror, felt something crack.

“What… are you?” He wheezed, dragging himself back into a standing position – he couldn’t even feel his legs anymore.

“I’ll tell you who we are.” Alpha growled, charging in from Dedan’s left. The royal inspector blocked the attack, but even that felt like agony. “We’re two guys that are here to stop you from destroying your own zone.” The add-on savagely said, ramming away at Dedan’s left side.

Dedan fell to the floor, weakening by the second. He tried to get back up, but failed. He could feel his life ebbing away, slowly but surely…

With the last of his strength, he rolled over to stare at the strange man that had bested him. “I…lost?” He muttered to himself in disbelief, his weakening guardian powers the only thing keeping him alive. “L…o…s…t?”

The Batter stepped towards the being that had created zone 1 and ruled over it with an iron fist. “You’ve been defeated, Dedan, guardian of the first zone.” He announced, raising his bat to finish the job. “This land is now pure.”

Dedan reached out shakily towards The Batter with a trembling hand, but faltered. His arm slumped back to the floor as The Batter swung…

All he could feel was the Impact of the holy bat…

And then he felt nothing.


	8. Befuddling Books!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Batter and Alpha enter zone 2, where they find fake books, librarians and ruthless criminals.

**Chapter 8: Befuddling Books!**

With a WHOOMP, The Batter and Alpha flashed into The Nothingness, right above the pattern that represented zone 1.

Alpha looked around shakily, having not been to The Nothingness before. “What the hell is this place?”

The Batter waved off the add-on’s concerns. “Never mind this place. Think of it as a form of transport, like a tram.”

Alpha didn’t look reassured. “Trams don’t whisper into your goddamn ear every 5 milliseconds.”

The Batter pulled a playing card emblazoned with a crab out of his pocket. “Dedan’s Zodiac Card.” He said. “With this, we should be able to access the next zone.”

As he said this, he was already strutting across the map of the world, heading to the red block at zone 2.

“Wait, what?” Alpha asked, trying to keep up. “There’s more than just zone 1?”

“Well, yes.” The Batter replied. “What would be the point of numbering a zone if it was the only area in the world?”

Alpha couldn’t argue with that, but… “I didn’t sign up for this! I thought we were just gonna kill that asshole back in zone 1!”

The Batter shook his head. “The other zones will probably be just as bad as zone 1.”

**Yes they are, Batter. So what are you waiting for? Purification cannot wait…**

The Batter spun on his heel and instantly zapped into zone 2 without a further word, Alpha close behind.

Our protagonists landed on a purple-pink platform with a bridge leading north, much like zone 0 and zone 1. However, the atmosphere was much better than either of the previous zones – a multitude of pink towers stretched towards the sky like stalagmites, except less pointy and, uh, rocky.

Alpha sighed with relief. “Damn. This looks much better than zone 1.”

“We’ve still got to find the guardian of this zone,” The Batter announced, already marching stoically north. “And purify him.”

“Really.” Alpha muttered. “At least relax for a millisecond, asshole.”

The duo followed the footpath to find themselves at the foot of the largest tower of all. It shot into the sky, prouder than any other building in sight.

“L-i-b-ra-ry…” Alpha read off the wall. “The hell is a leebrahree?”

“ _Library._ ” The Batter said exasperatedly. “It’s where you get books.”

“So… like the smoke mines in Damien.”

“…Sure.”

“Now this I wanna see.”

Alpha hovered through the entrance and into the blue-tinted reception, where he was greeted with an Elsen at the desk, stamp over a book.

“Uh… uh…” He sputtered, dropping the stamp. “Welcome, sir… you’re, uh, looking lovely and circular… today.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

Alpha bobbed around curiously, examining the shelves. “Aren’t there supposed to be miners or something here?” He asked the librarian.

“Miners?” The librarian asked.

“Yeah. Y’know, when you whack some rocks to harvest the books inside them.”

The poor librarian had no idea what the add-on was saying. “No… that’s not how it works, sir…you see, we have lots of books here already, and people can borrow them for a set amount of time before returning them. That’s how it’s always been, since this zone was created.”

Alpha absorbed this new information. “Well, what’s the point of that?” He pouted. “There’s nothing to gain!”

“It’s… entertaining.” The Elsen replied wheezily. “You can find lots of excellent information in a good book. Th-this entire zone is dedicated to entertainment.”

Alpha was about to say something when The Batter intervened. “How many floors does this library have?” He asked.

“Hhh… I’m not sure.” The librarian whispered. “Quite a few, I know that. But the fourth floor and above are out of bounds… an old cat requested so. I can see why – some vandals have started to rip the pages out of the books on the third floor!”

“An old cat?” The Batter enquired.

“Yes.” The librarian nodded. “One with a rather impressive demeanour as well.”

The Batter was intrigued. So The Judge was here. Maybe he could tell him where the guardian was. “Where is the cat?”

“On the… fourth floor.” The librarian replied. “But you can’t go up there – the books there are even more valuable than the ones on the third floor!.”

The Batter sighed. “If I replace the pages of the books on the third floor, will you let me through to the fourth floor?”

“S-sure.” The librarian said. “If you want.”

The Batter nodded, satisfied, and headed up the blue stairs to the second floor.

The second floor was much larger than the reception – shelves lined the walls, groaning with mountains of books.

“Damn…” Alpha said. “That’s a lot of books.”

He floated over to the nearest shelf and examined the spines of the books. “Weird… they’re all the same colour…”

He tugged at a book at random, but it refused to budge.

“Is this supposed to happen?” He asked The Batter, who was watching from a distance.

“Most of the books here are fake.” The Batter replied. “However, the shelves with a marking in front of them have real books.” He added, tugging an actual paperback book out of a marked shelf to prove his point.

“…That’s stupid.” Alpha commented.

“It-it’s not…” An Elsen piped up. “The metal books are much safer… no risk of paper cuts…”

Alpha glared at the Elsen (or bobbed angrily in his direction at least… IDK. He’s a literal onion ring) until he backed off.

“Man, this place sucks!” Alpha yelled, slamming into a metal bookshelf out of frustration.

A few Elsen screamed at the loud noise and ran downstairs, yelling “Quick! Evacuate! Spectres! Spectres in the library!”

The Batter shook his head reprovingly at Alpha, who merely shrugged. “How was I supposed to know they’d scream their heads off?” He said dismissively.

The Batter merely sighed and continued onto the 3rd floor.

The 3rd floor was very similar to the 2nd floor, with a small difference: pieces of paper were tacked to random walls, fluttering dolefully.

The Batter tore one off the wall and examined it. “The third…something…created the… I don’t know.” He said. “But there’s a 3 of clubs printed on this page.”

“I got a 5 of diamonds.” Alpha replied, waving around another page from across the room. “God, even the actual books are trash, I can see why that guy ripped out these pages.”

He rammed into a bookshelf again out of frustration. “God, this is gonna take forever…” He trailed off.

Three spectres had floated through the ceiling. “SHHhhh…” They said in unison.

“Oh, yeah?” Alpha grunted irritably. “Who’s gonna make me shut up? YOU?”

The 3 spectres bobbed up and down as if saying yes. “Heavy Silence…” One of them chanted, as the other two swung.

Alpha felt the two basic attacks hit first; he felt some minor pain, but he still held his ground. Hah, he thought to himself.  I’ll take out one of these chumps easily with a competence next t-

The Heavy Silence hit Alpha square in the centre (it’s ironic cuz he’s a circle). He felt another sharp pain, but upon examination the three attacks combined had done barely anything to him.

He was about to laugh at the spectres…

When he found that he couldn’t talk. The Heavy Silence had inflicted him with Mute. Furious, he decided to hit the inverted pest with Converted Chain, a stronger attack that he had recently gained using the EXP from killing Dedan.

However, he found himself unable to use any of his Competences at all. He flew around madly, bashing into the wall to show his frustration.

The Batter shushed Alpha and leapt forwards with Furious Homerun, eliminating an Upside-Down Spectre almost instantly.

Alpha, meanwhile, had come to his senses and decided to settle with using his basic attacks to help his owner out, and charged straight at the nearest spectre, screaming internally.

The spectre screeched as Alpha’s basic attack found its mark. Its friend, however, dove in for another Heavy Silence…

“Furious Homerun!” The Batter shouted, rushing in and finishing off the spectre in a single hit. “Finish the last spectre off with a basic attack, Alpha!”  He cried, sounding a little too much like a pokemon trainer.

Alpha hit the final spectre in the face with his saw-like body. The ghost screamed and was instantly vaporised in a flash of white.

“Thank god that’s over!” Alpha said, now unmuted with the link between the Upside-Down Spectre’s spell and him broken. “Now, back to these boring-ass books.”

The two purifiers went around, picking up the different pages taped to the walls and comparing them to the few real books on the third floor.

“Wait a minute.” The Batter said suddenly after ten minutes of fruitless reading. “I think I know how to fix the books.”

He shoved the book he was holding into where he thought Alpha’s face would be if he had one. “I’ve matched the book that has the 2 of spades with the 3 of spades page and it looks about right. ”

Alpha examined the book closely. “Sure. I’ll take your word for it.”

He flew off around the floor. “Hey, have you got a 5 of diamonds on you?”

“Yes.” The Batter replied. “Hold on…”

He produced another faded page from his pockets and gave it to Alpha, who inserted  it into another book.

“Thanks.” He said to Alpha, who was already off in search for another page.

 

* * *

 

 

“Well, that’s all of them.” Alpha said proudly, floating in satisfaction. “Except for one.”

The Batter looked around. “Have you checked everywhere?”

Alpha nodded. Or wobbled. I don’t even know at this point. “But maybe this’ll be good enough for the guy downstairs?”

“Let’s hope so.”

 

* * *

 

 

“The books on the third floor are still in a state of disrepair…” The librarian whispered, edging away from Alpha slightly as though afraid he would attack. “Well, at least one is.”

The Batter sighed. “Fine.” He said resignedly.

“I’ve heard the perpetrator was last seen lurking near the amusement park.”  The Elsen sighed. “Be careful though… he’s obviously a ruthless criminal, defacing our library like that!”

Alpha sniggered slightly.

 

* * *

 

 

“Amusement park.” The Batter read off a sign. “The Elsen must be in there somewhere.”

Alpha prodded him on the shoulder irritably. “But it’s sort of flooded off, in case you’ve haven’t noticed.”

“I knew that.” The Batter replied. “Hopefully that’ll make it easier to find the criminal.”

“How about you start with that shifty looking guy over there?” Alpha asked, waving at an Elsen skulking in a corner, looking around nervously. “Hey, guy!” He yelled. “Have you been stealing book pages from that crappy library over there?”

The Elsen looked around and nodded. “I did it… to make me feel safe…” He whispered.

He pulled out the final page from his pocket. “This page helped me be free of fear.” He rasped. “I can give it to you if you like… for a price.”

The Batter leaned back confidently. “Name your price.”

“100 credits is all I ask.” The Elsen said quietly. “Then you too can be free of fear.”

The Batter handed over the credits instantly. It wasn’t like he was going to be running low on credits anytime soon.

“O-oh really?” The Elsen said. “I-I mean, of course. Yes. Now you can be free of fear as well.”

He handed over the page and counted up the credits The Batter gave him. “What a strange man _..._ ”

 

* * *

 

 

“I’ve put all the pages back in their books.” The Batter said to the librarian.

“O-oh... really?” The librarian said, just taking The Batter’s word for it this time for some reason. “That’s great… the fourth floor is now open for you and only you.”

“Well then, let’s go there!” Alpha shouted. “I wanna find mister smiley fur face!”

The librarian cringed. “Please don’t shout, sir…”

“Fine. Fine. I’ll stop shouting, you little marshmallow shaped…”

The Batter thanked the librarian and walked upstairs quietly.

 

* * *

 

 

“Fourth floor coming up.” The Batter said, healing up using a conveniently placed SAVE cube. “The Judge should be able to tell us where the guardian of this zone resides.”

“Let’s hope he isn’t as much of an asshole as Dedan.” Alpha muttered.

The duo climbed up the final flight of stairs leading to the 4th floor to find…

“You’re not The Judge.” The Batter said in surprise. In front of him, a white-furred cat blinked at him vacantly.

“The Judge…” The cat said. “No… I am not. My name is… Japhet. Yes. That is my name. I am the ruler of this zone.”

“Ruler?” The Batter asked. “So you’re the guardian of this place? That must mean you’re the source of the spectres…”

The cat nodded. “S-specifically, they’re my arms of justice, sent to me by The Queen… Soon, my entire zone will be filled with nothing but ectoplasm!”

Alpha shuddered. “Is that an innuendo?”

Japhet swung around to face him. “What… in The Queen’s name is that?” He hissed.

“I’m a guy that’s here to KICK YOUR ASS!” Alpha shouted in response, charging forwards.

Japhet yowled and leapt out of the way with surprising agility for such a small creature. “So you intend to cut me down, strange being… very well then. On your feet be it!” He cried. “Alto!”

A swarm of diamonds materialised out of thin air to impale Alpha.

“Ow – get – off me!” Alpha cried as the diamonds sunk into his body with a sickening _crack_.

“Furious Homerun!” The Batter cried, hoping to take Japhet by surprise. The attack landed and the cat was sent flying, flailing wildly.

“You s-sport pyjama wearing c-clown!” He spat. “Perish beneath my claws!”

He pounced at The Batter, who was just working his way around what “sport pyjama wearing clown” meant. The capped man was sent reeling beneath Japhet’s onslaught of swipes and scratches.

“Awaited Embrace!” Alpha cried, hitting Japhet dead-on. However, the cat still clung stubbornly to The Batter, who was clawing at him yelling “AlphagetitoffpleaseohIthinkI’mallergichelpme!”.

Japhet leered as he swung again. “I am the guardian of this zone.” He cackled. “I am far-”

“Stronger and more resistant to damage than us. We know.” Alpha said exasperatedly. “Saturated…”

He paused, sensing an opportunity.

He flew up to The Batter and pulled an Eye out of his pocket. Ignoring his owner’s pained glare, he tossed it into the air, where it hung for a few seconds, staring at Japhet. Then, it vanished, leaving behind a text bubble:

“Japhet.” Alpha read out in a surprisingly accurate recreation of The Batter’s monotonous tone. “Royal guardian of zone 2. HP: Unknown. CP: Unknown. How lovely.” He said savagely, looking over at The Batter, who was still trying to fend off Japhet.

The Batter grimaced as Japhet used “Alto”; the diamonds went right through him, leaving no marks, but the pain was so intense that he suspected that without his puppeteer, he would have died the second they hit via internal bleeding.

“I’m sorry for all those times I – ow – gave unnecessary expositional – geroff – info, Alpha.” He muttered. “Now help me get this CAT OFF OF ME!”

Alpha moved in what appeared to be like a shrugging motion, and flew in to help out.

“Saturated Chain!” He shouted. The attack slammed right into Japhet and lifted him into the air, dumping him metres away at the foot of a metal bookshelf.

“Your spirit is a valiant one…” Japhet groaned. “And your arms are made in its image! But I must warn you, I can abandon all courtesy as a battler when necessary…”

He raised his paws to the skies and began to chant: “Spirits, come to me! Dance the dance of the righteous and call pain and suffering upon these wretches! Obey your master and overlord!”

“…” But nobody came.

“…Spectres?” Japhet shouted. “Spectres, come to me! I beg you!”

“…” Still no response.

“Man, this is awkward.” Alpha commented.

Japhet dropped back to the floor, panting. “By what magic, baleful human, are you preventing my ectoplasmic forces from joining me?” He said.

“Maybe the ghosts don’t want to follow a goddamn cat’s orders?” Alpha said. “Besides, do spectres even have ears?”

Japhet glared at the duo. “Don’t think I can’t fight by myself!” He shouted. “Alto!”

The glowing diamonds materialised and shot into a bookshelf like little grappling hooks. Japhet grinned. “Take this!”

He used the diamonds to throw the bookshelf towards Alpha, pinning him against the wall. He quickly did the same for The Batter, using the magical diamonds like a sort of telekinesis. Soon, the duo were surrounded by mountains of fake books and bookshelves.

“Hhh… hhh…” Japhet panted. “There. T-that should stop you from being such a pain in the neck. Now, time to finish you off!”

He opened his mouth, ready to finish the intruders off, when suddenly…

“Can it be?” Japhet gasped. He cocked his head in surprise. “I knew it… I knew they would come.”

He leered at the trapped Batter. “A powerful spectre is approaching.” He muttered. “Almost as powerful as me… if there’s anything to like about the ectoplasms, it’s that they almost always travel in groups. I think I’ll leave you to their non-existent mercies.” He laughed, taking out a playing card emblazoned with a picture of a fish. “Farewell, Batter, and… your weird talking onion ring.”

And with that, he teleported away.

Now The Batter was worried. In their trapped state, they were sitting ducks for any enemy, no matter how weak. If this spectre was as strong as Japhet had promised…

Well, at least he had purified zone 1…

In the gap between two of the bookshelves that pinned him against the wall, he saw a glowing white shape move closer and closer to him…

He raised his bat. If he were to die, then he may as well die like a man…

Suddenly, the spectre spoke.

“Hello there… you really sh-shouldn’t make such a mess in the library… sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changes:  
> Japhet's a little less certain in his mannerisms. I thought it would be a fitting change since he is the least social of the three guardians.  
> Plus, he can also manipulate the environment using his magic. Bootleg telekinesis is always nice...  
> The "Spectre" (wink wink nudge nudge) can talk.


	9. Malevolent Malls!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Consumerism! Zacharie! Alpha being a sassy scumbag! What's not to like!?

**Chapter 9: Malevolent Malls!**

 

“You can talk?” The Batter asked the spectre, craning his neck for a better look.

“Oh, yes.” The spectre said, flickering as if in approval. Its voice was female and rather wary in tone. “I’ve always been a-able to speak since… since I was created.”

“That’s nice, lady.” Alpha muttered. “But could you please help us get out of here before we suffocate under a mass of crappy fake books?”

“Yes, of course…” The spectre said after a short pause. “Don’t move…”

“That’s not gonna be hard.” Alpha muttered to himself as the spectre busied itself with moving the bookshelves.

The Batter did a double-take as he saw his rescuer: Alpha looked at him bemusedly, but gasped as well upon following his gaze.

The ‘spectre’ was practically identical in terms of appearance to Alpha; white, circular and luminescent. It was looking at Alpha in equal confusion.

“Who on earth is -” it began, but Alpha got there first.

“Who the hell is this poser?!” He shouted. “I’m gonna break your fake-ass smile in a millisecond!”

He rushed forwards, ready to attack the ‘imposter’ add-on, but The Batter stepped forwards.

“Alpha. No.” He scolded. “She literally just saved us from those bookshelves. (When are you gonna hear a phrase like that outside of OFF?) Without her, we would’ve been sitting ducks for the ghosts.”

He turned to the unnamed add-on, who was regarding Alpha shakily. “Identify yourself.” He said sternly.

The add-on gave a start when she realised The Batter was addressing her. “O-oh – me?” She said. “Okay then…”

“My name is Omega. I’m what’s known as an-”

“Add-on, yeah.” Alpha butted in. “And what sort of a name is ‘Omega’?”

“It’s my… canon name.” Omega replied. “P-plus, your name is Alpha, so uh…”

The Batter stepped between the two bickering add-ons. “That’s enough, you two.”

He approached Omega tentatively. Would it be possible to ‘bond’, as The Judge had described it, with this new add-on?

“Hey, Omega?” He said.

Omega swivelled round to face him. “Y-yes…?”

“Are you ‘bonded’ with anyone as of now?” The Batter asked.

The add-on shook her head. Then again, do add-ons have heads at all? Or are they **just** a head floating in the air like a Magnolia? Alas, we’ll never know…

“Not as far as I’m aware…” Omega replied. “Though it would be nice to bond with someone… leave my ordinary life and routine behind…”

“Perhaps you would be interested in joining us?” The Batter said, barely concealing his excitement. If he had TWO add-ons, his job would be so much easier…

“Oh… uh, o-okay.” Omega said. “As long as you keep _him_ on a leash…” She muttered, gesturing at Alpha.

Alpha huffed in response.

“ _Here goes nothing._ ” The Batter thought to himself as he placed both his hands on Omega, just as he’d done with Alpha. Sure enough, a blinding white flash enveloped them both, and when it had disappeared he found that a giant dialogue box had appeared in front of them both:

**“ADD-ON OMEGA HAS JOINED THE PARTY!”**

“…Yay.” Alpha muttered.

The Batter clapped his hands together in satisfaction, though he still remained his stoic composure for the most part. “What sort of abilities do you possess, Omega?” He asked.

“W-well…” Omega said. “Over my years of defending the library I’ve reached level 6, which means I have two Competence moves at my disposal…”

“The first one is something I call ‘Inverse Perspective’, which cures Blindness and Muteness. The second one is called ‘Optimised Blur’, which deals a random amount of damage. It’s… well, random, but overall it’s not useless.”

“They both sound quite useful.” The Batter commented.

Alpha made a noise that was halfway between approval and dismissal as they set off.

As they descended the library, only stopping briefly to heal up at the SAVE CUBE, Omega shifted over to Alpha’s side. “H-hey. Me again…”

“Don’t – stand – so – close.” Alpha hissed. Omega quickly backed off.

“Sorry… listen, I want to apologize… I didn’t mean to s-scare you…”

“You didn’t scare me!” Alpha bristled. “You just… caught me off-guard.”

Omega nodded. “Oh… okay.”

As the ~~duo~~ trio entered the reception, Omega spoke up again: “You know, Alpha, you remind me of s-someone… but I can’t quite put my finger on it…”

“You don’t have any fingers.” Alpha snapped. “And if you’re thinking of that asshole Dedan, I am NOTHING like him-”

“Shh…” The librarian said to Alpha. “No shouting in the library…”

Alpha glared at him until he looked away. “Anyway,” he continued, “We bonked him to death long ago, back in zone 1.”

Omega looked startled. “You… killed Dedan?” She shrieked (very quietly). “But I… he… the…”

“I can hear you two, you know.” The Batter called over his shoulder as they exited the Great Library.

“S-sorry, boss…” Omega said. “S-should I call you ‘boss’? Or would you prefer-”

“Just call me The Batter.” The Batter interrupted. “’Batter’ if you prefer.”

“Okay, Batter… but is it true you’ve already killed Dedan?” She shot at him.

The Batter simply nodded. “But I plan to free the other two zones of their guardians as well.”

“He also has an imaginary friend.” Alpha added.

“Imaginary friend?”

“My puppeteer-slash-narrator.” The Batter corrected. “They go by the name of ‘Adam’. They are responsible for overseeing my quest to purify the zones.”

“That’s a bit unnerving…” Omega commented. “I don’t like the idea of being watched constantly by someone…”

The Batter shrugged. “Without him, our journey would’ve been cut short long a-”

Suddenly Alpha cried out in surprise. “I just saw a cat around that corner!” He shouted. “It could be what’s-his-name, Jaffa Cake! Let’s beat him up!”

He sped off without a further word, the other two purifiers hot on his heels.

Alpha screeched around the corner to find…

“Zounds!” The Judge hissed, leaping a foot into the air upon seeing Alpha flying towards him like a grouchy missile. “Can a feline not take a stroll around this lieu without getting attacked?”

Alpha backed off quickly, huffing an apology. “Thought you were that other cat.”

“OTHER cat?” The Judge enquired, his eyes widening in surprise. “So you’ve met my brother?”

“Brother?” The Batter asked, leaning against the wall of the library to catch his breath.

The Judge nodded. “His name is Valerie.” He said sagely. “He’s lived in this zone for most of his life. However, he’s recently gone missing and I haven’t the faintest clue where he’s gone.”

The trio looked at each other mutely, not knowing how to interpret this new info.

“Valerie usually spends most of his free time patrolling the Gomez Galleries or the Residential Area.” The Judge said wistfully, more to himself than the curious purifiers. “Perhaps you could check the Galleries for any sign of him whilst you, ah, purify them.”

The Batter shrugged. “Okay.”

“Splendid!” The Judge said. “I hope your new add-on will perform as expected during your holy quest, Batter. What is its name, by the by?”

“Erm. My name is Omega.” Omega said by way of introduction. “And I’m a ‘she’.”

“Indeed.” The Judge said thoughtfully. “Well, I bid you farewell, Batter, Alpha and Omega.” He announced, strutting off.

Just before he rounded the corner of the library, The Batter caught a few of his words: “…correct…easily offended…”

“The hell are the Gomez Galleries?” Alpha said. “And who’s Gomez anyway?”

“G-Gomez was one of the first Elsen to live in this zone.” Omega chirped. “He helped Japhet with the construction of the great library and mall. Because of this, the mall was named after him in his honour.”

Alpha grunted something that sounded awfully like “know-it-all” under his breath.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sorry, sir… the Gomez Galleries are off-limits right now.” The pale-skinned Elsen outside the entrance murmured. “It’s been overrun by spectres and… yeah. It’s very terrifying.”

Alpha shook with apprehension. “No way, Jose. We’re gonna puri- puree – cleanse that place to hell! And possibly that cat Japhet, whilst we’re at it!”

The Elsen shrugged. “If you say you can cleanse the mall, then I won’t stop you.”

And he moved aside, letting the trio through.

 

* * *

 

 

The Gomez galleries had the same colour scheme as the library; dark blue metal for the walls and floor, light blue for the ceiling. At a single stand opposite the entrance sat…

“Buenos dias, Adam!”  Zacharie called out cheerfully, addressing me instead of the actual characters, which worked fine in the game, but since this is a fanfiction it didn’t have nearly the same effect.

“…Adam?” Omega enquired.

“My puppeteer.” The Batter hissed at where he thought Omega’s ears would be. “I just told you about him five minutes ago.”

“O-oh, yes…”

“He’s also his imaginary friend.”

“He is not. Shut up, Alpha.”

Zacharie waited patiently at his stall as the trio squabbled in front of him. When they had all paused to take a breath, he took advantage and said:

“So, do you need any items for your new companion? It usually goes that new party members have little to no equipment when they’re first acquired, so…”

He winked knowingly at the purifiers before remembering that he was wearing a mask and they wouldn’t be able to see it.

The Batter rolled his eyes. “Get me the best equipment you have.” He said flatly.

“Very well then,” Zacharie said, producing symbols, auras, epidermises, colours, bats and tunics from his bag and handing them to The Batter. “2,890 credits, please.”

Alpha made a gagging noise. “2,890?” He shouted, squaring up to the merchant. (Gedit? Cuz he’s a circle?) “The stuff you sold us in Alma wasn’t that expensive!”

Zacharie shrugged. “Equipment is becoming harder to obtain, my fellow add-on. You must understand that since no one wants to buy my wares in this zone, I have to increase prices accordingly.”

The Batter coughed up the credits regardless, and waved Zacharie goodbye whilst Alpha muttered something like “greedy masked dirtbag…” under his breath.

“W-well!” Omega said, examining her new equipment. “I feel stronger already!”

“That’s probably just because you’re carrying 2,890 less credits.” Alpha snorted. “Besides, the equipment doesn’t matter much – it’s the competences that count.”

They entered the main Gomez Galleries through the right door because the left door was Barrier Blocked™. According to Zacharie, it was BB™ed off because it was the door to the Pedalo Control Centre™ for the Amusement Park, which had been closed off because of ‘safety risks’.

“You can still reach it by navigating the malls – they’re on the right.” He said. “Just be careful, though – the Gomez Galleries are extremely difficult to navigate. You may want to stock up on some items before heading onwards, wink wink.”

Alpha coughed. “ _Greedybastard._ ”

 

* * *

 

 

“God, this is even worse than Dedan’s Flesh Maze!” Alpha shouted in frustration. “A minute in and we’re already lost!”

“Sorry… Dedan’s Flesh Maze?” Omega enquired.

“It was all musical and crap.” Alpha replied, as way of explanation.

“…Ah…” Omega didn’t question it further, mainly owing to the ghouls that had appeared before them, chittering and baring their fangs in warning.

“Two Massu.” The Batter said, sounding like a weird rapper as he Wide Angled the ghouls. “Ghouls of fulminant chakras. They’re slightly weak against smoke, and have the ability to-”

He was cut off abruptly by one of the Massu using ‘Heavy Silence’ on him. He stumbled away, trying to retaliate with a normal attack but missing embarrassingly.

“C’mon, it inflicted you with muteness, not blindness!” Alpha snarled as he used ‘Saturated Chain’ on the offending Massu. Its paunchy body was sent flying backwards, landing with a comical ‘honk’ next to a box of ‘Gomez’s Cat Food – for the silkiest hair and whiskers!’

Omega, meanwhile, was hurrying over to The Batter, trying to calm him down. “I want you to tell me if you’re okay… oh, wait… you can’t talk… sorry…”

“Just cure him!” Alpha cried out exasperatedly as he dodged away from the second Massu’s claws. “Didn’t you say you had that ‘perspective’ crap? Use it on him!”

“Oh, yes… Inverse Perspective!” Omega said.

The giant X above The Batter’s mouth flickered and vanished as the Competence did its work. Soon, he could talk again.

“Thanks, Omega.” He grunted as he used a competence on the final Massu, causing it to burst into ectoplasm as its twin had done.

“Oh, yeah, sure.” Alpha hissed. “Don’t thank the guy that almost took down both of the enemies. Thank the guy that cured you of a status effect that wears off after killing the caster anyway...”

The Batter ignored him. “Let’s get a move on.” He said, moving onwards.

“Yes, lets.” Omega agreed, giving Alpha a wide berth as though thinking his grouchiness was contagious.

However, the trio had barely gone a step when two more ghouls swung in front of them. These were not Massus; they had much longer arms, sharper teeth and two curved horns. They looked much stronger, physically speaking.

“Two Gilles de Rais.” The Batter announced, Wide Angling the enemies. “They lack any form of Competence, and are, overall, very mundane ghouls. They do, however, have a strong resistance against Add-Ons.”

“We’ll see about that.” Alpha replied, lashing out with a flurry of attacks. Blow after blow found their mark, but when he had finished, the Gilles de Rais didn’t look hurt at all. In fact, they looked more annoyed than anything.

“What the crap??” Alpha cried out before getting tossed aside by the angry ghouls. He flew over The Batter’s head, landing with a soft _thump_.

“Omega, take a defensive stance.” The Batter instructed, healing Alpha up with a casual Luck Ticket. “Alpha, do the same.”

“Y-yes, sir!” Omega said instantly, taking shelter behind her owner. Alpha did the same, albeit more reluctantly.

As The Batter swung into action, Omega tried to strike up a conversation with Alpha. “Hey… Alpha.”

Alpha grunted to show he was listening.

“W-what was it like in zone 1?” Omega asked, hoping to keep the conversation casual. “W-was Dedan a...”

“Well, Dedan was a bit of an asshole, so we had fun beating him up.” Alpha replied. “As for the rest of zone 1, well… it was a bit of a hell-hole, to be honest.”

“Oh… that bad?”

“Yeah.” Alpha looked over to The Batter, who had already taken out a Gilles de Rais and was now duelling the second. “The smoke mines were deserted, the meatworks were infested with ghosts, the post office was badly organised and Alma was a bit of all 3.”

“Well, I hope your quest over there made it better...”

“It did.” The Batter suddenly said from behind them, making them jump. “Come on. I’ve finished off the Gilles de Raises.”

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the Gomez Galleries made it clear that Zacharie had been horribly wrong: they weren’t “Extremely difficult” to navigate. They were near-impossible to. Everywhere looked the same: blue, blue and light blue, with random boxes of merch scattered around like sprinkles. All the while, an endless stream of ghouls threw themselves at the holy trio, aiming to whittle their health and CP down rather than pose an actual threat.

"I swear, if one more goddamn ghoul shows its rat face around here, I'm gonna smash it straight to hell!" Alpha cried out, knocking over a metal mannequin in frustration.

The Batter sighed as he distributed the last of his luck tickets to Omega, who had taken a rough beating from some Massu after they realised she made an easy target.

"I'm…(ow) sorry, Batter." Omega winced as the Luck Ticket set to work, healing her wounds. "I'm just not that much of a fighter…"

"You've done well, though." The Batter assured her. "Your curing ability is useful enough."

Alpha made a sort of motion like he was rolling his eyes, if he had any, but stopped himself just in time.

The Batter must've noticed, however, because he glared reprovingly at him.

"I will try to learn some new damaging skills sometime in the future, Batter… I promise." Omega was saying. "Regardless of w-what you say…I think Alpha's right. I need some stronger attacks."

Suddenly, Alpha cried out. "Did you see that?" He asked The Batter and Omega.

"See – see what?" Omega whispered.

"That – that big-ass tail." Alpha whirled around. "Looked like a giant flying fish was flying around this place."

Omega made a shrugging motion. "Oh… that was probably just a Whale."

The Batter frowned. "Whale?"

"Y-yes! Like the one there!"

The Batter spun around to where Omega was pointing and nearly dropped his bat in astonishment. 'Whale' didn't do the creature justice; it was massive, big enough to fill an entire floor of the great library. It was flying (Flying? The Batter thought. Whales don't fly…) in a massive circle around them, constantly staring at them with its huge eye.

"D-don't worry, Batter…" Omega was saying. "They're vegetarians."

The Whale snarled and bore down on them, opening its massive maw to swallow them all up…

The Batter yelped and dove out of the way just in time; the Whale grunted angrily as he bonked it on the eye as it flew past.

"Vegetarians, you say?" Alpha shouted at Omega. "Doesn't look like it."

The Batter Wide Angled the Whale as it drew backwards, preparing for another attack. "Whale." He announced loudly. "Marine mammal of the order Cetacean. Strong resistance against bats." He groaned.

"D-don't worry, Batter." Omega assured him as she and Alpha flew up to engage the Whale. "We'll take care of it!"

Alpha flew up to the Whale's left  eye and glared into it. "God damn, you're an ugly bastard up close." He muttered. "Have some of this Awaited Embrace!"

He launched the poisonous attack into the Whale's eye; it howled and swerved away from him, lashing out with its massive tail.

Omega, meanwhile, had (rather unwisely, she reflected,) decided to take the Whale head-on, and was now about to get chomped.

"Uh… Optimised Blur!" She cried out desperately, spinning up like Sonic the Hedgehog. She launched herself at the Whale's jaw, and, to her amazement, heard a loud _crunch_ as she found her mark; the Whale was now retreating with a mouthful of broken teeth and half-blind in one eye, growling furiously.

"Not bad." Alpha commented, continuing to batter the Whale's left side.

Omega rushed to keep up, spurred onwards by Alpha's half-encouragement. "Optimised Blur!" She cried again, spinning up:

She launched herself at the Whale, hoping to deal some serious damage, maybe even finish it off, when she suddenly bounced off the Whale's hide. Gazing in astonishment, she found that her attack had barely scratched the creature's skin.

"Okay. I take that back." Alpha said, finishing the animal off with 'Saturated Chain'; it moaned and exploded into ectoplasm. "That was terrible."

The two add-ons flew back to The Batter's side, scooping up the credits and items that had fallen from the dead Whale.

"Took you long enough," Muttered The Batter. "Let's go."

And they set off exploring the rest of the Gomez Galleries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!


	10. The Petrifying Park!

**Chapter 10: The Petrifying Park!**

The Batter sighed as he used his last Luck Ticket on himself. An entire hour of wandering the Gomez Galleries and they still hadn’t found the exit. Meanwhile, Alpha was busy ripping up boxes and mannequins angrily, and Omega was bumping into a wall, muttering incoherently to herself.

“I swear we’ve been here before…” he said.

“We probably have.” Alpha replied, knocking the head off a mannequin that looked suspiciously like Donald Trump. “This god damn piss-ass-hell-hole-ARRGH-”

The Batter rolled his eyes. “Instead of complaining, maybe you could fly around for a bit and find the exit.”

Alpha harrumphed. “Fine. But only If Omega comes as well.”

“-Trapped … huh?” Omega said confusedly. “Did someone say my name?”

Alpha nodded. “We’re gonna scout ahead for an exit out of this damn place together. C’mon.”

He shot off, dragging her behind him before she could protest.

 

* * *

 

 

The Batter paced around, humming Pepper Steak to himself. Alpha and Omega had set off to scout ten minutes ago. He wondered if they’d had an unfortunate run-in with some spectres…

Just as he was considering setting off by himself, a shattered and battered Alpha dropped at his feet, carrying the hollow body of Omega.

“Did you find an exit?” He asked, rushing over to Omega’s body with a Joker.

Alpha nodded weakly. “Yeah… it’s not that far off.”

“Then why is Omega dead?” The Batter asked, placing the Joker on the dead add-on’s body.

“We were ambushed by a bunch of Gilles d’Asshole.” Alpha replied. “They just won’t die!”

“Ah.” The Batter recalled his Wide Angle of the rat-like ghouls: _‘They do, however, have a strong resistance against add-ons.’_

“Yeah.” Alpha shook his head. “Ah.”

Omega had finished absorbing the Joker and was now sitting upright, flickering weakly. “W…what…?”

“Glad to see you back, Omega.” The Batter said, healing her back up to full with ‘Save First Base’. “Apparently you and Alpha found a way out.”

“Oh, yes…” Omega spun around a bit, taking in her new surroundings. “Follow me…”

The Batter duly walked behind her as she led him to the exit. It wasn’t long when they discovered something rather unusual on the floor: a large grey piece of crystal, lying next to a bottle of ‘Sugary Plastic – the ULTIMATE cordial!’ . As The Batter picked it up, it slowly flickered and faded to black.

“A piece of Omega, I presume.” He said, putting it back on the floor gently. “That means whatever caused this must be close by.”

Right on cue, a Gilles de Rais scuttled around the corner in front of them, chewing on another of Omega’s fragments. It hissed in surprise and pounced, aiming for Omega, but The Batter took it down with ‘Furious Homerun’ quickly.

“Y-yes, we’re definitely on the right path.” Omega assured herself, looking nervously at the Gilles de Rais as it evaporated.

“Behind you!” Alpha cried as another ghoul, a Massu this time, crept up behind Omega, ready to attack. He swept it away with ‘Saturated Chain’, then smashed it in the head with a regular attack before it could get up.

“Hhh…hhh…”

Suddenly, Alpha began to glow brighter and brighter. With a ‘DING’, a giant textbox appeared in front of the party saying:

**“Batter Lv7 Acquired!”**

**“Alpha Lv7 achieved!  
‘Converted Chain’ has been acquired!”**

“Nice.” The Batter said. “We needed a harder-hitting attack.”

“Hell yes!” Alpha cried, using his new skill on an unfortunate mannequin; its head was sent flying off, narrowly missing Omega.

“H-hey… that’s not very fair.” Omega complained. “Why do you get a fancy new competence?”

“Because I actually contribute to battles.” Alpha replied smugly.

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the journey was somewhat uneventful. The trio navigated the galleries, Alpha and Omega leading, The Batter taking a backseat for once. They found a few chests containing valuable healing items along the way, and Omega soon achieved Lv7 acquiring ‘Overdone Perspective’, which cured Poison and Sleep, but nothing else until…

“There it is – the exit!” Omega exclaimed, bobbing overhead. “I’m getting out of here!”

She scooted off, leaving Alpha and The Batter panting behind her.

“FREE AT LAST!” She cried.

“Since… when did you… get that fast?” Alpha huffed. “Also, you scared the crap out of The Judge.”

“J-judge?” Omega asked, looking around confusedly. “Oh… sorry about that.”

The white-furred feline was hanging to the wall, hair on end.

“Here… let me help you down.”

The Judge purred gratefully as Omega lifted him onto the floor. “Many thanks, my dear. Did you find Valerie in the mall, by the by?”

“Oh…” Omega had forgotten all about that. “Sorry, we didn’t find him.”

“Ah, well.” The Judge sighed. “And here I was getting my hopes up. My search for Valerie in the Residential Area was... fruitless.”

The Batter shrugged as a way of offering empathy. “We can check there again if you like. We haven’t purified that area anyway.”

The Judge shook his head. “I’m sorry to inform you that it’s been Barrier Blocked™ off right now. Maybe you should try the amusement park – it’s flooded off, but you can get a pedalo right there.” He nodded to a dusty pedalo recovery point behind The Batter.

“Amusement park?” Alpha asked, pressing the button. “Now this I wanna see!”

The familiar ‘DING’ of a pedalo being summoned resounded, but for some reason the surreal duck boat was nowhere in sight.

“…Where’s the pedalo?” Alpha asked.

“It is most likely on the west shore, dear spirited companion.” The Judge replied calmly.

“Okay, then! Let’s go there!” Alpha bobbed away, muttering to himself. “…Which way is west again?”

 

* * *

 

 

“I… would rather not get on that with you two.” Omega confessed, watching The Batter and Alpha mount the pedalo. “I admit I am not used to being in such close proximity with others… it may seem awkward, but…”

“Alright, suit yourself.” Alpha shrugged, bobbing behind The Batter, who was tapping his foot on the side of the pedalo impatiently. “But I gotta warn ya, when I tried that, a whopping great alligator decided to chomp me.”

“…Alligators?!” Omega stared at the plastic worriedly.

“Look, if you’re so awkward you can’t be asked to go to a goddamn amusement park, then we can just leave you here whilst we check it out.” Alpha snarled. “Your choice.”

“Alright, fine… but the blackmail isn’t necessary…”

The Batter set off, pedalling the small boat towards the isolated theme park.

 

* * *

 

 

“Welcoming.” Alpha commented, wiping dust off the wall. “A little too welcoming. Is it supposed to be this quiet?”

“Owing to violations of sections 5.01, 7.16 and 15.96 of the safety guide, the park was forced to be of limited access to the public.” Omega rasped.

Alpha rolled his eyes – oh, wait. He doesn’t have any!

The Batter shrugged and walked his way through a winding path made up of pink metal fences. A single balloon marked the halfway point, bobbing in the smoky breeze.

“What the hell is this?” Alpha asked, prodding the balloon. “Some sort of medical aid for when you run out of smoke?”

“It’s a balloon, Alpha.” Omega said, eyeing him warily. “Careful, though – don’t hit it too hard.”

“You want me to hit it hard? Okay.”

“No! Wait!”

Alpha used ‘Converted Chain’ on the balloon, bursting it with a loud BANG – Omega yelled in shock. Pieces of plastic flew everywhere, one of them hitting The Batter in the cheek.

“Hey, look! A Luck Ticket!” Alpha cried, rummaging around inside what used to be a balloon, utterly ignorant to Omega’s jabberings. “It’s really shiny too!”

The Batter examined it, rubbing his face. “It’s actually a ‘Fortune Ticket’.” He announced. “It heals for much more than a Luck Ticket.”

“Nice.” Alpha commented. “Plus, it scared the crap out of Omega.” He stared at her. “I need to find me some more balloons.”

“Don’t. Even. Think. About. It.” Omega snarled, gritting her teeth.

 

* * *

 

 

“Welcome, sir, to the amusement park.” The Elsen manning the welcome desk rasped. “Here, you can find an excellent range of pleasantries spanning three safety-regulation approved attractions. The entry fee is 100 credits per person.”

The Batter handed over the credits and walked through the revolving door. Alpha and Omega tried to follow, but were stopped by the Elsen.

“Sorry… you’ve got to pay as well.” He whispered, inching backwards as though afraid they may attack him. “100 credits per person, please.”

Alpha looked incredulously at the Elsen, but Omega thought fast. “Oh, no.” She said cheerfully. “We’re just figments of your imagination, so we don’t have an admission fee. I mean, you haven’t seen anything like us before, have you?”

The Elsen nodded. “That is true… alright then. You can proceed.”

Omega smiled. “Bye, then! Come on, other figment of this man’s imagination!”

“But I’m not-” Alpha managed to say before Omega shushed him.

“Hooh... the excitement’s, uh gone to his head.” She said, making ‘coocoo’ motions. “He thinks he’s, uh, real. Well, we really ought to be going…”

Trying to look as unsuspicious as possible, she dragged Alpha through the revolving door before he could mess up their opportunity for free entry.

Once they were through, she heaved a sigh of relief. “That was close.” She said, glaring at Alpha. “Too close.”

Alpha shrugged. “Well, we’re here now. So tell me, little miss know-it-all, what exactly can we do here?”

Omega coughed. “There are a total of four areas in the amusement park. The first is a pedalo ride across scented plastic using a network of hidden motors. The second is a balloon game designed around the game of nim. The third is the bistro, where citizens can enjoy the finest delicacies at comfortable prices. The fourth and final attraction is the roller coaster, which has been completely reworked so that it meets safety requirements.”

“Okay, tell you what, how about I go check out the bistro whilst you guys go somewhere else?” Alpha suggested. “Uhh… that way we cover more ground.”

The Batter nodded. “That seems reasonable. Omega can help me check out the pedalo ride.”

“Yes, then I can help you with the balloon game.” Omega suggested. “Being the most literate member of the party, I’m sure I’ll be valuable.”

“Yeah, okay.” Alpha said absentmindedly. “Which way is the bistro?”

“Uhh… to the left.” Omega said. “Once you reach the roller coaster, just continue going forwards. It shouldn’t be hard to miss.

“Okay. Byeee, dorks!” Alpha flew off without a further word.

The Batter and Omega exchanged confused looks.

“Well, the attractions a-aren’t gonna come to us…” Omega said, heading  east. “Come on. The pedalo ride is this way…”

 

* * *

 

 

“This is the roller coaster?” Alpha asked bemusedly. In front of him, several terrified-looking Elsen were sitting on a bunch of chairs arranged like a roller coaster car. A few looked ready to vomit.

“Y-yes…” An ill-looking Elsen in front of him said. “It’s absolutely terrifying…”

Alpha shook his head sadly. “That’s depressing.”

“It used to be even scarier, but thankfully THAT version has been closed down.” The Elsen shivered. “Even now, I dare not think about it.”

Alpha looked to his right. A massive pink rollercoaster stretched upwards, dusty and unused. The path leading to it was fenced off, with a sign taped to it saying ‘CLOSED’.

“If only **that** rollercoaster was open.” He sighed. “Honestly, this is just sad…”

He quickly entered the bistro to stop himself laughing out loud at the poor Elsen; one of them had fainted onto the lap of his friend, who was now screaming and running around, vomiting.

Alpha closed the bistro door behind him, still sniggering slightly.

“Right then, let’s see what this ‘bistro’ has!” He said happily. “I need some pick-me-ups-”

“Buenas tardes, add-on!” Zacharie called out cheerfully from a table. “Please, take a seat. A waiter will be coming along any second now.”

“…goddamnit.”

Alpha sat down reluctantly next to the masked merchant. Although he was obligated to be grouchy, he was almost glad to see Zacharie. At least he wasn’t losing his mind over sitting in a chair.

A terrified-looking Elsen approached them nervously. “H-h-hhhello… welcome to the B-Bismark Bistro. Here a-are your menus- whoops…”

Alpha waited as patiently as he could as the Elsen gathered up the dropped menus.

“Please, don’t worry about us.” Zacharie said calmly. “We’re in no hurry.”

“Yes, of course, sir…” The Elsen had finally picked up the menus and was now handing them out. “Please. Take your time ordering.”

Alpha lazily scanned his menu:

**THE BISMARK BISTRO**

**TOP QUALITY FOOD SINCE** (There was a coffee stain over the year)

 

**{ Main Meal }**

**Plain Meat**

**Alma-Style Anticuchos (OUT OF STOCK)**

**Smoked Meat**

(All served with our (sort of) famous Plastic Drizzle™)

 

**{ Dessert & Drinks }**

**Plastic Ice Cream**

**Perfumed Smoke**

**\-------------------------**

**Plastic**

**Fizzy Plastic**

Alpha stared bemusedly at Zacharie. “Smoked meat?”

Zacharie nodded. “Yes. It’s apparently a delicacy outside of this game – I mean, retelling.”

“Okay, that sounds really weird.” Alpha commented. “But whatever. I’ll have it.”

The Elsen scribbled down his order messily. “Anything else, sir?” He asked.

“Nope.”

The Elsen nodded and turned to Zacharie to write down his order (One of everything on the menu).

Alpha was about to say something snarky to him, like “ _So that’s where our 2,890 credits go..._ ” when he noticed a sign behind him.

It read: “Our [5] food inspectors and chefs work tirelessly to make sure your meal doesn’t arrive with a spectre in it!”

 _How reassuring_. Alpha thought to himself. He was just about to tell Zacharie when:

“Here’s your order, sir.”  The waiter rasped, returning with a bottle of what Alpha took to be meat – the smoke whirling around inside the bottle made it hard to see. “Enjoy.”

He plonked the bottle in front of Alpha and left, wiping his brow.

Alpha took off the cork and immediately regretted it – the smoke inside came rushing out, engulfing him completely. He retched.

“Yes, lovely, isn’t it?” Zacharie chortled, mistaking Alpha’s shock for awe.  

Still choking, Alpha decided to start on the rest of his meal to stop himself from hitting Zacharie in the face. The meat was strangely pale and tasted rotten, which didn’t help his gagging spree. Not only that, but the plastic drizzle was sticky and bitter…

“It’s new...” He sputtered. “But, uh…”

He stopped. He swore the meat just moved.

“Is it supposed to move like that?” He asked Zacharie, who had obviously been here before. “The meat, I mean.”

Before he could answer, Alpha’s 'meal' suddenly hovered into the air, cackling. In the centre, a cluster of piggy eyes opened up and a slit of a mouth forced itself into a leer.

“Oh, god.” Alpha backed away. Behind him, the waiter screamed as Zacharie’s meal began to come alive as well. He dropped the tray and ran outside screaming at the top of his lungs.

Alpha found himself surrounded by four ghastly animated pieces of meat, all sniggering and cackling at him as they closed in.

“That was not what I expected.” Alpha looked around frantically – Zacharie had mysteriously vanished, and all the Elsen were all running aimlessly, hands in the air. He was on his own.

Hurriedly, he dived underneath his table just as the spectral meat attacked. The ghosts bounced off the tabletop with an angry THUD.

What would The Batter do if he was  in this position? He asked himself. Easy – scan the enemies. But he didn’t have the ‘Thick Angel’ Competence or whatever it was called. But there was another way…

He selected ‘Eye’ from the inventory…

 

* * *

 

 

The Batter sat on a pedalo, sighing contently as he drifted around the course. Omega, meanwhile, was flying around popping all the balloons and collecting the items they dropped.

Neither of them noticed the Eye whizz out of The Batter’s pockets in the direction of the roller coaster.

 

* * *

 

 

The Eye whizzed through the doors of the bistro into Alpha’s ‘hands’. He immediately threw it into the air, where it spun around, looking at each spectre in turn before disintegrating. A large text box appeared in front of him:

“Meat Spectres X4.” Alpha read out to himself. “50HP. 0CP. Non-canon, gelatinous ectoplasmic incarnations found in the meatworks of zone 2. Heavy resistance against Poison. Heavy weakness against regular attacks.”

The Meat Spectres knocked the table out of their way, exposing Alpha. He yelled and quickly backed behind a statue of Zacharie. He must be the owner of this place, he thought to himself before turning his attention back to the ghosts.

“Take this!” He cried, ramming into one of them; it burst, sending rotten meat flying everywhere. But the 3 other ghosts remained unfettered; they fought back, shooting what seemed like acid at Alpha. It stung, but didn’t cause any major damage.

Alpha grunted and spun up again, killing another spectre with a regular attack. Only two left.

When the ghosts used their acid attack again, he was ready – he shoved the statue of Zacharie in front of him, using it as a shield against the projectiles. Once the spectres paused, he emerged, using another regular attack on the penultimate ghost.

The last spectre chittered angrily as its fellow messily burst into ectoplasm and meat. But instead of attacking again, it flew towards the kitchen, where various bottles of (undoubtedly infested) meat sat, waiting to be served. Alpha heard the tinkle of glass and plastic as it shoved the bottles off the shelves, freeing more of its ghastly siblings.

A single Elsen in a chef's hat approached Alpha nervously. “A-are the ghosts gone?”

“W-what? No!” Alpha gestured angrily at the kitchen, where the spectre was assembling its army. “Close the kitchen door! Quickly!”

The Elsen hopped over the serving counter and slammed the door shut, barricading it with a chair.

“N-now, what, sir?” He asked Alpha anxiously.

“Uhh…” Alpha thought frantically. If he evacuated the building or tried to fetch The Batter and Omega, the spectres would escape the bistro and spread to the rest of the park. If he tried to fight, he would likely be overwhelmed through sheer numbers, and the result would be the same – park in ruins, everyone dead.

“S-sir, I have a suggestion.” Another chef-hat wearing Elsen piped up. “I read in the library that, uh, some spectres are extremely susceptible to fire. Maybe if we, uh, used the chairs and tables to make a fire just outside the kitchen, it could halt and possibly even kill off the spectres…?”

Alpha brightened – literally. “That sounds great, what’s-your-name. But…” He paused. “Why are you guys helping me, anyway? Most of the people in this zone are too scared to even sit on a bunch of chairs, let alone start a fire with them.”

“Well, uh… I’ve been working at this bistro for five months.” The Elsen replied. “Managing spectre outbreaks is basically routine at this point, though we’ve never used fire to deal with them before…”

“Okay, then.” Alpha tried to clap his hands together for dramatic effect, but stopped quickly before he embarrassed himself. “Let’s burn some ghost ass!”

 

* * *

 

 

“Th-there.” The Elsen said nervously, throwing a chair as gently as he could onto the pile of flammable items, including chairs, tables, spare neckties, wooden replicas of Zacharie, wooden Zacharie action figures, menus, loose floorboards, one member of catering’s spare bottle of cooking oil and a glass of wine just outside the kitchen. “That should be enough.”

Alpha whistled. “You guys have got a lot of flammable stuff. Not that I’m complaining.”

He began to spin up like a buzz saw, sending sparks flying everywhere as he sliced into the flammable pile. “You guys should probably get out of here.”

The Elsen didn’t need further encouragement – they quickly evacuated the building without any protest.

Alpha spun up faster and faster. Meanwhile, the kitchen door was rattling underneath the force of the ghosts hurling themselves at it.

All or nothing, Alpha told himself. Plus all those other random inspirational things people close to death say. He gritted his teeth and spun even faster. A single flame suddenly appeared where he was cutting. He yelped and quickly backed away. A crack appeared in the kitchen door down the middle.

Blowing on the flame gently to help it grow, Alpha watched as it spread across the pile of chairs, tables, spare neckties, wooden replicas of Zacharie, wooden Zacharie action figures, menus, loose floorboards, one member of catering’s spare bottle of cooking oil and a glass of wine, slowly at first, but speeding up rapidly.

The door split open down its centre. Through the crack, Alpha saw a bunch of Meat Spectres of various shapes and sizes fighting to get through. The fire was now burning several feet high, and was roaring so loudly it could've been mistaken for a Whale with toothache.

Deciding it was time to get the hell out of there, Alpha flew through the exit doors, coughing harshly whilst the ghosts wailed in terror as the flames began to engulf the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

 

Omega, meanwhile, was busy having a dip in the perfumed plastic, occasionally holding up numbered signs to rate The Batter’s performance as he did jumps and flips with his pedalo. They were honestly having the time of their life and were in no mood to leave.

“Hold on a minute.” Omega said. “There’s a switch behind you, just to your left.”

The Batter turned around. “Yes, there is. ‘This switch prevents access to the old roller coaster. Please leave it on ON.’” He smirked. “I think you know what we need to do.”

“Right ahead of you.” Omega drifted over to the switch and flipped it on OFF. In the distance, a loud clanking noise rang out.

The duo were exchanging excited look when suddenly, The Batter wrinkled his nose. “I smell smoke.” He muttered to Omega.

Omega sniffed the air as well. “Yes… it’s absolutely disgusting.” She said. “Where is it coming from?”

“Probably from me.” Alpha snarled, turning up on the scene. He was burnt and slightly cracked after his encounter with the ghosts, and the smell of rotten meat and ectoplasm surrounding him didn't help his mood. “Whilst you guys were relaxing here, I was busy saving  the park from getting overrun by meat ghosts.”

The Batter healed him up with ‘Save First Base’, but didn’t say anything.

“W-well, you, uh, didn’t call us to help you.” Omega said, back to her usual stuttery self now that Alpha had returned.

“Do you not understand!” Alpha ranted angrily. “If I came over here to help you guys the ghosts would’ve broken out of the bistro! I had to-” He swallowed uncomfortably. “I had to burn the place down. By myself.”

“Oh, don’t worry, amigo.” Zacharie suddenly said, arriving on a custom pedalo (and by ‘custom’ I mean he had painted a mask over it.). “The damage to the rest of the park was kept to a minimum by me flooding off the path leading to the bistro afterwards. You did well. As a reward, take this scripted item drop!”

He handed a Fortune Ticket to Alpha, who pocketed it, looking slightly happier.

“The only problem was that my old office was located in the bistro  kitchen.” He said, frowning. “Luckily, thanks to the power of RPG- I mean, FanFictionMaker2018 (Also known as Microsoft Word), I have already built a new office near the entrance to this very attraction. Well, that’s all the news I have for now. Sayonara, Batter!”

And with that he pedalled off, humming ‘Feel Good Inc.’ by Gorillaz to himself for some reason.

The Batter shrugged. “I think we should be leaving as well. We’ve still got the balloon game and the old roller coaster to try.”

He followed Zacharie using his own pedalo, Alpha and Omega in tow.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hhh… no one can enter the boss’ office without proof that they know him.” The Elsen guarding the door that hadn’t been there before rasped.

“Oh, that’s easy.” Alpha said. “He gave me this Fortune Ticket as a gift just minutes ago.”

The Elsen took the ticket and examined it, but handed it back, shaking his head. “No, no, sir… this is just a normal Fortune Ticket. You can get them by popping any old balloon. The item of proof needs to be personal.”

Alpha frowned at the other two party members.

“W-we d-d-don’t have a-any proof right now…” Omega chattered, having just gotten out of the scented plastic. “B-but we’ll find some… we definit-t-tely know him...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changes from the game:  
> -The Bismark Bistro  
> -The party splitting up to LOOK FOR MORE CLUES  
> -The bistro burning down  
> -Zacharie showing up and giving you a reward for saving the park from meat ghosts  
> -Zacharie's office appearing at the pedalo ride after you burn down the bistro
> 
> Next time: we finish the park and start on the Residential Area.


	11. The Petrifying Park II!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, I've been busy with exams and stuff. Yay.
> 
> In this chapter we finish off the amusement park!

**Chapter 11: The Petrifying Park II!**

The Batter stood in the main plaza of the amusement park, tapping his foot impatiently.

“Hurry up, you two.” He called. “We’ve still got two more attractions to visit.”

Alpha and Omega trudged into the plaza, still squabbling.

“-I could’ve dealt with the spectres, Alpha.” Omega was saying.

“Yeah, right! You’d probably faint because of the smell!” Alpha retorted.

The Batter sighed as he waited for his add-ons to finish their argument. One of the disadvantages of making them sentient for the retelling, he supposed.

Finally, the two add-ons burnt each other out and came over.

“Took you long enough.” The Batter said.

Omega looked slightly sheepish. “S-sorry, sir…”

Alpha simply glared.

“Let’s go to the balloon game.” The Batter said, ignoring Alpha. “It’s just north, apparently.”

Omega nodded. “Don’t worry; I’ll make sure that we win on our first try, sir!”

Alpha made a noise that sounded suspiciously like sniggering as they walked up the path to the balloon game.

 

 

The balloon game was not quite like what The Batter had anticipated. He had expected something like an obstacle course. Heck, even some form of shooting game. Instead, the attraction was little more than 13 balloons arranged in a cross formation and a single kiosk housing a bored-looking Elsen behind them.

“O-oh… new (yawn) arrivals.” The Elsen said blearily. He cleared his throat.

“Hhh… play, play, play the balloon game. The… true game of mental stimulation…”

The trio of purifiers exchanged looks.

“’Mental stimulation’?” Alpha hissed.

“D-don’t judge me… it’s part of my script.” The Elsen said defensively. “Are you playing or not? If not, then just leave… I was having a lovely dream about Space Apes.”

“We’re playing.” The Batter said firmly. “What are the rules of this game?”

The Elsen sighed. “It’s simple. When it is your turn, you can pop one to three balloons. Then, when it’s my turn, I’ll do the same. The person left with the last balloon loses.”

“Well, uh… is that clear?”

The Batter hesitated for just a second before nodding. “Clear.”

“Oh, okay.” The Elsen took out a credit from his pocket. “Cats or Toads?”

“What?”

“Which side of the credit do you think is going to land facing up when I flip it?”

The Batter shrugged. “Toads.”

“Okay, then…” The Elsen flipped the credit and examined the side facing up. “S-sorry, it was Cats. That means I get to choose who goes first.”

“I’ll go first…” He said nervously. “I pop… 3 balloons.”

The second he finished his sentence, three balloons popped as dictated. Now there were 10 left.

“It’s your turn, sir.” The Elsen rasped.

The Batter frowned in concentration. Behind him, Omega whispered: “Pop 3 as well, Batter!”

“I pop 3 balloons.” The Batter said, taking Omega’s advice.

The Elsen nodded and pressed a few buttons on the keypad in front of him. Three more balloons exploded.

7 balloons left.

“I pop 1 balloon.” The Elsen said.

6 balloons left.

The Batter shrugged. “I pop 2.”

4 balloons left.

“H-hah!” The Elsen said. “I pop 3 balloons!”

Pop. Pop. Pop.

The Batter stared bemusedly at the final balloon. “I lost.”

“Of course you did, fish batter.” Alpha said patronisingly. “I bet **I** can win, though.”

He floated forwards. “Hey, marshmallow head! Gimme a go!”

The Elsen stared at him for just a second before shrugging and taking out another credit. “Okay, then. Cats or Toa-”

“Cats!” Alpha shouted.

The Elsen flipped the credit. “Sorry, sir… it’s Toads. That means I get-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go first.” Alpha grumbled sulkily. “Whatever.”

“...Okay. I pop 1 balloon.” The Elsen said.

12 balloons le-

“I pop 3!” Alpha shouted.

9 balloons left.

“I pop 2 balloons.”

7 balloo-

“I pop 3!”

4 balloons remaining.

“I pop 3 balloons.” The Elsen said at last. “That means you are left with the last balloon. Unlucky…”

Alpha growled and skulked back to The Batter’s side.

“M-maybe I could have a go?” Omega asked. Alpha grunted as a way of saying “yes”.

“Oh. Okay…” She stepped forwards to the playing area. “H-hello…”

“H-hello to you too…” The Elsen said. “Uh, your voice has changed quite a bit since last time… Cats or Toads?”

“T-t-toa-uh... c-Cats. Cats. Yes. Cats.”

The Elsen flipped the credit. “Oh… you guessed correctly. That means you get to choose who goes first.”

“Y-yes. I’ll go first, and I pop 2 balloons.”

11 balloons left.

The Elsen frowned. “Hmm… I pop 3 balloons.”

8 balloons left.

“I pop 3 balloons.” Omega said.

5 balloons left.

“Hhh… I… uh, pop… 2 balloons.” The Elsen said.

3 balloons left.

“I pop 2 balloons!” Omega said triumphantly.

1 balloon left.

The Elsen stared blankly at the final balloon. “I… I lost…”

“No… I’ve been cheating for years! I… I…”

Omega stared blankly at the Elsen. “Wait, what? This sort of game is impossible to cheat in…”

The Elsen, however, wasn’t listening. He pointed a shuddering finger at the add-on.“Y-YOU CHEATED! YOU BEAR ME SUCH ILL WILL!”

Suddenly, his head exploded – he had become a Burnt. Something was different about him, though – three glowing grey rings surrounded the fountain of smoke coming out of his neck.

The Batter quickly recovered from the initial shock and Wide Angled the new enemy. “It’s a Valzong-Burnt, an ailing resident of Bismark. It possesses the ability to Mute targets.”

“Jesus Christ…” Alpha said in astonishment.

Omega simply stared, petrified, at the Burnt as it lurched towards her, fingers shrivelling up into black claws.

“Do something, you two!” The Batter cried, unable to act at the moment – the act of using Wide Angle had drained him temporarily.

Alpha snapped out of his stupor and rammed the Valzong-Burnt in the stomach, knocking it away from Omega. It roared and enveloped him in a shroud of light.

“Mff…” Alpha was Muted.

Omega too was jerked back to reality. “Inverse Perspective!” She cried, starting to cure Alpha of his Muteness.

“Thanks.” Alpha grunted before flying back into the fray.

The Valzong-Burnt was much stronger than any enemy they had faced before. However, it was still against three equally strong, if not stronger opponents. Before long, it had fallen…

“You… you win.” The Burnt gasped, thrusting a necktie at The Batter’s feet. Its body was already beginning to fade away. “Your prize…”

And then it was gone.

The Batter picked up the necktie bemusedly. “This was the grand prize?”

“W-what?” Omega asked, floating behind The Batter. “W-we killed a man over a necktie?”

“Hardly.” Alpha replied grumpily. “HE tried to kill US over a balloon game.”

“Whatever.” The Batter said, pocketing the tie. “Let’s go to the final attraction.

 

The main plaza was slightly different when they arrived back at it. The Elsen inside were now running around, (not quite) screaming their heads off.

“Ahh! Spectres in the park! Heeeelp!”

“I knew we should’ve closed this place!”

“Please! Somebody! I can’t see where I’m running!”

“…Oh, dear.” Omega said anxiously. “The people here must’ve heard our fight with the Valzong-Burnt.”

Quietly, the three purifiers slipped past the cloud of panicking Elsen through to the roller coaster.

 

 

 

“Oh. That must’ve been the bistro.” Omega said, staring at the smouldering building next to the ‘roller coaster’.

“Yes. It was.” Alpha said stiffly.

The Batter, however, was looking somewhere else – at the old roller coaster. The fences barricading the path to it had been lowered. Thankfully, none of the Elsen here had noticed anything – they were too focused on the remains of the bistro. However, some of them were still too frightened to get up from their chairs.

“I always knew that place was dangerous…” An Elsen was saying.

“Yes.” Another piped up. “I knew the food there was bad, but I never thought mild indigestion could’ve burnt the place down.”

The three moved past the Elsen to the entrance of the old roller coaster.

The first thing they saw was a kiosk housing an Elsen just like the one at the balloon game. The Elsen inside stared confusedly at them.

“Uh… who are you? I thought they closed this place off…” He said.

“Well, you’re here as well.” Alpha pointed out.

“I was too scared to leave my point…” The Elsen replied. “Are you riding the roller coaster or not? If so, you get the right to a picture of your unproductive fun times.”

“Yes.” The Batter said, interrupting whatever Alpha was going to say.

“Okay. Please step onto the escapa-escla-escalator.” The Elsen stuttered. “Once you get to the top, please board the car in an orderly fashion, following the safety instructions wri-.

He trailed off. The trio had already rushed off up the escalator.

“…Why do I always get the jocks?” He sighed.

 

 

“Aww, yeah!” Alpha cried as the roller coaster car came into view.

“C-careful, Alpha!” Omega shouted. “You almost knocked over that statue of Zacharie!”

She stopped. “…Wait a minute. Statue of Zacharie?”

The Batter frowned. “What is it, Omega?”

Omega was now staring at the statue thoughtfully. “Batter, boss… can you help me push this statue of Zacharie  onto the coaster car?”

“Why do you – ohh.” The Batter nodded. “Okay.”

Alpha, meanwhile, had looped himself around the car’s safety bar. “What the hell are you guys doing?” He asked as he watched the other two push the statue onto the car next to him.

“Never - you - mind.” Omega panted, sitting in the row behind Alpha. “We’re ready.” She said, tapping the side of the car.

“O-okay.” The Elsen’s voice said from a tiny speaker next to her. “Hold on tight…”

With a CLUNK, the roller coaster began to whir into life for the first time since it was built, and their car set off.

 

 

 

“I’m… never… coming… here… again.” Omega retched, leaning over the side of the car as it came to a halt – halfway through the journey down, a hidden camera  had taken a picture of them with a loud FLASH. The sound and light had startled Omega, causing her to rock the car so wildly that the statue of Zacharie had fallen out, landing on the metal below and cracking into tiny pieces.

After that, it took all their combined effort to not let The Batter fall off as well. It was a miracle he hadn’t died.

“Y’know, we could’ve just let him fall and used a Joker.” Alpha had very kindly pointed out, earning himself a tap on where his head would’ve been if he had one.

“Here is your photo…” The Elsen said, handing The Batter a black and white photo of them. “You’re lucky… you rode it with the owner! W-where is he, by the way?”

“He left halfway through.” The Batter grunted.

The Elsen nodded sagely as though Zacharie did things like that all the time. “Yes… he does things like that.”

Alpha peered over The Batter’s shoulder and snorted with suppressed laughter. The Batter’s face was frozen in a silent scream whilst Omega looked like she had been bitten by a ghoul.  
In the front row, the statue was leaning over the side dangerously like it was going to be sick, and Alpha was the only person who seemed like he was enjoying himself.

The Batter noticed Alpha peeking and quickly stuffed the picture into his pocket, clearing his throat. “Well, now that we have the picture of us with ‘Zacharie’, the Elsen blocking access to his office may let us through.”

“Okay, number one, why are we breaking into Zach’s office?” Alpha asked. “Secondly, who would be stupid enough to take that photo as proof of us being friends with Zacharie, even if we sort of are? The statue doesn’t even have any arms!”

“We’ll just have to see, then.”  The Batter replied.

 

 

“Woaw… is that a picture of you? O-on a roller coaster? With the boss?” The Elsen outside Zacharie’s office sputtered. “That’s awfully dangerous…”

“In any case, it doesn’t prove you’re friends with him. You could’ve, uh, forced him to ride the roller coaster with you? So… no entry. Sorry?”

The Batter scowled at me through the fourth wall. “What?” He asked bemusedly. “This worked in the original g-”

Shut up, Batter. Just wait a little while longer. The end result is the same.

The Batter didn’t look convinced. Alpha, however, had stepped forwards.

“You’re right, Elderberry.” He growled at the ~~Elderberry~~ Elsen. “We forced Zacharie to ride the roller coaster with us.”

The Elsen blanched. “N-n-no!”

“Oh, yes.” Alpha nodded evilly. “And if we could force him, who’s to say we can’t do the same with you?”

Omega caught on. “Y-yes… we could even…” She scrunched her face up, thinking of something evil. “Uh… _rock the car_ whilst you’re riding.”

The Elsen was quivering now. “Please no! I’ll… I’ll do anything!”

“Even…” (Alpha looked meaningfully at the quivering man) “Let us into Zach’s office?”

The Elsen nodded fearfully. “Yes… yes… just please don’t force me to ride the roller coaster with you.”

He quickly moved aside, letting The Batter through into his boss’ office.

“I can’t believe that actually worked.” Alpha said, closing the door behind him. “The people here are right nobs, aren’t they?”

“It’s the guardian’s fault.” The Batter said. “However, Japhet’s reign of cowardice and paranoia will soon be coming to an end.”

Omega shifted uncomfortably.

“Hmm? Yeah. Sure.” Alpha grunted. “But look over here!”

The Batter followed his gaze to see six chests, all arranged in a hexagon formation around the room, ripe for the taking.

“Full of those rare Zodiac Orbs, I presume.” He said, remembering the room in Damien.

“They certainly are.”

The Batter nearly fell over out of surprise. Zacharie was standing right behind them.

“One of each type of orb, to be precise.” Zacharie continued, his tone as unfathomable as always. “Help yourself.”

The Batter hesitated for just a second before heading around the room, opening up all of the chests.

“Thanks.” He said, nodding towards Zacharie.

“No problem… amigo.” Zacharie replied. “Now, go. I’m sure you’ve got plenty of other things to be doing elsewhere.”

“Yes.” The Batter said, making to leave. “Come on, Alpha and Omega.”

And so, the three purifiers exited the office. Zacharie stared after them for a few seconds, then sighed and turned away.

 

 

“Well, that place was completely useless.” The Batter sighed, using all six of the Zodiac Orbs on himself despite his add-on’s protests. “We didn’t even find Japhet…”

“ **We have, Batter. He is currently in the residential area of Bismark, alone and vulnerable.**

 **Go!** ”

The Batter froze for a split second before suddenly breaking into a run.

“W-wait, what?” Omega panted, speeding off after him. “What was all that about?”

“Dunno.” Alpha rasped, also trying to keep up. “He just started running…”

The Batter climbed the steps leading to the park’s entrance three at a time and vaulted onto his pedalo.

“H-he’s setting off without us!” Omega gasped, pointing. “W-what are we going to do? We can’t… we’ll be stranded here!”

“Mate.” Alpha gestured at the floor. “We can fly, remember.”

 “O-oh, yes… oops. Let’s uh, just follow boss and forget I ever said that.”

 

 

“The residential area.” The Batter announced, stopping at the entrance. “Japhet should be here.”

“How the hell do you know that?” Alpha asked.

“The…” The Batter paused. It sounded silly, but…

“The voices from before.” He told Alpha. “They told me Japhet was here.”

“Umm… schizophrenia is nothing to be ashamed of. ” Omega said nervously.

“Okay, even if you weren’t just losing your mind, there’s no way to enter this place.” Alpha snarled, pointing at the entrance. It was Barrier Blocked™ off, and there was also an Elsen manning another kiosk right next to it, making sure no one snuck in. “So, honestly, there was no… reason… to…”

The Batter wasn’t listening. He was busying himself with the necktie they had won from the balloon game.

“This will get us in.” He said confidently, doing it up.


	12. The Raucous Residents!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait and lack of content in this chapter. School's an absolute she-dog.  
> In this chapter, we experience the thrills of fighting mutant ghosts, listening to extracts from rulebooks and talking to cats.

**Chapter 12: The Raucous Residents!**  
  
  


The Batter knelt behind a purple bungalow, surveying the scene. A bunch of Elsen were going about their daily routines, albeit in sheer terror and paranoia. A large mass of fluffy clouds was gathering overhead ominously. Japhet was nowhere to be seen.

“Uhh… are you sure this is the right place, boss?” Omega asked nervously. “I don’t see Japhet anywhere.”

“Yeah.” Alpha grunted. “All I can see are crappy pink houses and more of those marshmallow-headed cowards.”

The Batter sighed. Had his creators been wrong in informing him? Had he been too slow? Was Japhet hiding here, perhaps in a building?

“We’ll have to split up.” He muttered, more to himself than to his confused add-ons. “Japhet’s got to be hiding here somewhere.”

**There’ll be no need for that, Batter.**

The Batter looked around wildly. “And why is that?”

Alpha and Omega exchanged looks. “And why is… what, sir?” Omega asked apprehensively.

The Batter ignored her. “Answer me!” He shouted. “Where is Japhet?”

**The town square. Hurry, Batter.**

The Batter nodded. “I will.”

He looked at Alpha and Omega in turn, who were both staring at him worriedly. “Japhet’s in the town square.”

“Yeah… we’ve noticed that already, boss.” Omega said nervously. “Listen…”

The Batter stopped. He could hear it as well. Japhet appeared to be shouting at someone.

“…there is still time to repent of your sins, you wretches.” He was saying. “Please… acknowledge me! Are you so blinded by your fears that you’ve forgotten who made you your utopia?”

Whoever Japhet was talking to evidently didn’t respond, because the next thing he said was:

“Fine! Ignore me! I’ll teach you respect the hard way!”

The Batter gripped his bat tightly. “Let’s go.” He said, making a move. “Come on, Alpha. Omega.”

Omega tugged the sleeve of The Batter’s shirt nervously. “Uhh… Batter? Boss?”

“What?” The Batter snapped, wrenching his shirt away from the add-on’s grasp.

“C-clouds.” Omega whispered, looking up.

Following her gaze, The Batter saw that what he had taken for clouds were now revealing their true form as they swept over the town. Deformed faces were beginning to appear in their bulging white bodies, cackling with glee as the Elsen below screamed in terror.

“Spectres! Spectres! I knew this day would come!”

“I thought this place was safe! Why is nowhere safe?!”

“Why won’t someone help us?!”

The Batter growled. “They must’ve been conjured up by Japhet.”

Right on cue, Japhet’s voice rang through the air shrilly. “Yes! Flee! Flee! Know your place as ungrateful insects! Onwards, spectres!”

“We must stop him.” The Batter said, stepping out from behind a large purple bungalow. “…oh.”

The spectres had begun to dive as one massive group, heading for the panicking Elsen.

“That may make it slightly harder.” The Batter muttered.

A scream from behind them made the trio whirl around. A few of the spectres were floating through the ceiling of a massive pink building. The Elsen inside were screaming and, judging by the crashing sounds they made, trying to run away rather clumsily.

“We have to start somewhere.” Alpha grunted, entering the sieged building, Omega and The Batter in tow.

It didn’t take them long to find the first spectre; in fact, it didn’t make any effort to remain stealthy and take them by surprise at all; it made itself known with a loud cackle, materialising in front of the trio.

“That’s disturbing.” Alpha commented as a first impression, staring at the spectre. Up close, it looked even more deformed. The multitude of faces dotted across its body were shaking out of mirth, making it look as though the spectre was about to burst or explode.

The Batter didn’t hesitate; he stepped forwards and swung his bat at one of the creature’s faces, which burst messily upon being hit.

The creature didn’t show any signs of pain at all; in fact, it giggled even louder and started shaking more violently than ever.

Alpha quickly stepped in. “Saturated Chain!” He cried, bursting another ghostly head.

Omega, meanwhile, was fishing an Eye out of the group’s inventory and throwing it into the air. It scanned the spectre before breaking up into nothingness, leaving behind a dialogue box.

“Porter Spectre.” She read. “230HP. 10CP. Saturated ectoplasmic incarnation. No weaknesses/resistances.”

“Soo… this is just a fat version of a normal spectre?” Alpha asked, busy ramming another of the Porter’s heads in. “Sounds easy enough.”

“Uh…” Omega pointed at the spectre. “Not quite.”

The trio watched as the spectre began to convulse furiously. With a sickening plop, its heads began to burst out of its main body, which began to shrivel up.

More and more mini spectres shot out of the Porter, which gave a last euphoric cackle before shrivelling into nothing.

Now, about seven groups of three tiny spectres faced the purifiers.

“Th-that’s not fair!” Alpha cried out of frustration.

The tiny spectres giggled and began to circle the purifiers, jabbing at them from every angle.

“Ow!” Omega cried. “That… that REALLY stung!”

Alpha growled and lashed out randomly in retaliation, bursting several junior spectres at once. “Piss off, you midgets!”

“Really, Alpha –ow- there’s no need to tell everything you attack to… piss off.” Omega whispered.

“Shut up!” Alpha shouted. “I’m trying to make these guys piss off!”

The Batter looked over. “I’m going to have to agree with Omega on this one, Alpha.” He said, bashing a spectre’s face in. “You overuse that phrase.”

“Piss off.” Alpha snarled.

“See what I mean?”

“Piss off.”

“Really, Alph-”

“Fine, fine! Jesus Christ.”

The Batter sighed as he cleared up the last junior spectre and used a Luck Ticket on himself. This was going to be a long slog.

An Elsen poked his head nervously around a corner. “Is it… safe now?”

The Batter shook his head. “There are still ectoplasms littering the rest of this area. Stay low and don’t make a sound.”

“Y-yes. We are trained… professionals.” Omega said reassuringly.

“Yeah, yeah.” Alpha said. “Let’s just go already!”

The trio quickly exited the building to search for more spectres.

 

* * *

 

 

“Got one!” Alpha called, wrestling another Porter spectre away from a group of terrified Elsen. “Help me beat it up!”

The Batter and Omega quickly hurried over, ready to give it their all.

“Don’t cause me any trouble.” The Batter snarled, raising his bat high above his head. “We haven’t got long to save this town.”

With a loud crack, he used his strongest competence – Furious Homerun – on the Porter. Then, he quickly stepped back, ready to fight any junior spectres that escaped.

However, none came – the Porter spectre simply gurgled and exploded into ectoplasm and evaporated.

“What happened there?” Alpha asked bemusedly, prodding the bubbling pool of ectoplasm that used to be the Porter.

“I’m not complaining.” The Batter said. “That’s good to know – if we kill them fast enough, they won’t split.”

“S-so obviously the best course of action is to… take them by surprise!” Omega stuttered. “That’s what combat guides always say!”

Alpha merely grunted, but The Batter nodded. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I think that’s the last of them.” The Batter said, finishing off a Porter spectre. “Now, onto Japhet.”

Alpha frowned. “Mate, don’t mean to burst your bubble, but Jaffa Cake’s probably long since gone.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” The Batter said, pointing at something behind Alpha. He whirled around.

Japhet was busy fighting a large group of Junior Spectres outside a block of pink flats.

“You fools!” He was shouting. “ **I** am your master! Obey me, or die a horrible death!”

The spectres didn’t pay any attention to his threats – they moved in still closer around Japhet, pressing him against a wall.

“Very well, then. As much as it pains me to do this.. Head Voice!” Japhet cried.

An ear-splitting shriek rent the air, seemingly coming from every direction at once. The Batter, Alpha and Omega took cover from the noise as the spectres surrounding Japhet all burst at once.

“Hhh… hhh…” Japhet panted. “Why… why will nothing every obey me?!”

The Batter emerged from his hiding place to face Japhet. “They’ve got the right idea, for once.”

Japhet stared at The Batter. “B-but… you! I left you to die! The spectre…”

“Yeah, long story short, it wasn’t a spectre, it was Omega, a worse version of me who joined our party.” Alpha cut in. “Probably regretting not finishing us off when you had the chance, eh?”

Japhet growled. “It doesn’t matter. So what if you’ve got another blind fool to assist you? I defeated you once…”

“Actually, I can cure blindness.” Omega chipped in.

“I don’t think he meant that sort of blindness, dummy.” Alpha snapped.

Japhet snorted amusedly. “Your “add-ons” don’t seem to get on well, do they, Batter?”

“They’ll get on perfectly fine when they have to beat your face in.” The Batter snapped uncharacteristically.

“Tsk. So uncivilised.” Japhet tutted. “But no. I will not fight you today.”

“Why not?” The Batter demanded, but Japhet had already teleported away using his Pisces-Card.

“Damnit.” Alpha growled. “He got away. Little coward.”

“Why flee now, though?” The Batter thought out loud. “He wasn’t like this last time we met.”

“I would imagine fighting off those spectres that attacked him cost a lot of his CP.” Omega whispered. “It’s not cowardice, just strategic thinking, Alpha.”

Alpha didn’t respond.

A group of Elsen had come out of their hiding places, looking around nervously. “Has the danger passed? Are the spectres… gone?”

“Yes.” The Batter replied. “But this zone is still not free of its true pest.”

The Elsen looked at each other nervously. “What might that be… sir?” An Elsen asked warily.

“Japhet.” The Batter said dramatically.

The Elsen all frowned in unison.

“…gesundheit?” One of them said.

“The cat that directed the spectres?” The Batter asked.

More blank looks.

“The one that was just shouting at you?” Alpha chipped in.

Nothing.

“…No. We aren’t aware of such a cat.” An Elsen said, breaking the awkward silence. “But, more to the point… what is that?”

The Elsen all nodded. They were staring at The Batter’s baseball bat worriedly, as though it was a serial killer or rabid dog.

“My bat?” The Batter asked, holding it up. It still had some traces of ectoplasm and blood on it.

The Elsen all flinched as though The Batter was going to attack them. “Y-yes. It’s an awfully dangerous weapon…”

The Batter didn’t like where this was going.

“And section 4.12.9.2.4 of the rulebook specifically states that using recreational items for violence is a code B offense. So, uh… we’ll have to ask you go get out of our town. Please.”

Alpha sighed. “Clonk these guys over the head, Batter.”

The Batter almost considered it, but thought better. “No. Besides, our main goal is finding Japhet, who we know is definitely not here now. Let’s go.”

Alpha muttered darkly as they exited the residential area.

“Oh, and be sure to deposit your tie when you leave.” An Elsen called after them.

The Batter undid his tie and tossed it at the Elsen guarding the entrance to the residential area.

“Good evening, Batter!” The Judge said happily, prowling towards them. “I’ve been waiting here for ages. Apparently, someone was interfering with the Barrier Blocks™ at the entrance, making it impossible to enter or exit.”

“That must’ve been Japhet’s doing.” The Batter said. “He attacked the residential area with spectres just minutes ago.”

“Spectres?” The Judge gasped. “In the residential area?”

“Don’t worry, we took care of them.” Alpha said assuredly. “Piece of cake.”

Omega gasped. “I just remembered… sorry, Judge, but… we forgot to look for Valerie in the residential area. And now we can’t go back in, so… good luck?”

The Judge waved a careless paw. “Do not worry, my dear circular friend. I understand you had to put the resident’s safety first.” (“Not that it stopped them from kicking us out.” Alpha growled) “Anyhow, I’ve already tracked down Valerie myself.”

“You have?” Omega asked. “Where?”

“At the top of the great library.” The Judge purred. “My senses picked up an increase in magical energy there, in the form of a cat. I am certain it’s my dear brother.”

The Judge paused to cough up a hairball.

“I was coming down here to tell you not to worry.” He continued, ignoring Alpha’s disgusted look. “But this is an amusing turn of events. Perhaps it would be better if you went with me to meet him?”

The Batter sighed. “All right.”

Alpha didn’t seem too hot with the idea, though. “Shouldn’t we be, y’know, tracking down Japhet?”

“Japhet could be anywhere by now.” Omega said. “Besides… we should be taking some time to relax.”

The Batter nodded tiredly. “You weren’t complaining when we went to the amusement park, Alpha.” He pointed out.

“But that was-” Alpha caught The Batter’s glare and sighed.

“Shall we set off, then?” The Judge asked.

“Yes.” The Batter said. “Lead the way.”


	13. Japhet's Purification.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, it's ya boy, back after a SUPER long hiatus.
> 
> Sorry about that, by the way. Exams are a pain.
> 
> Here it is, as promised: chapter 13! I've probably gotten sloppy after so long without practice, so... sorry :/

**Chapter 13:  Japhet's Purification.**

"Come along now." The Judge purred, bounding up yet another flight of stairs almost effortlessly. "Not far to go. I'm dying for you to meet my brother."

"You've been saying – that – for the – past… thirty minutes." Alpha groaned.

"Oh, er… don't mind Alpha." Omega butted in. "He's still a bit angsty about his rewrite getting delayed by the puppeteer."

"You mean OUR rewrite." Alpha snapped. "You're in this together with me."

Omega tutted. "See what I mean, Judge?" She whispered.

The Batter remained silent.

Suddenly, The Judge sniffed the air. "Adversaries are approaching." He said calmly.

Three groups of Junior Spectres materialised out of thin air in front of them, chittering madly.

"Your time to shine." The Judge purred. "Go on."

The Batter stepped forwards, ready for purification…

Suddenly, he saw movement outside.

He leapt back…

Just as a Whale crashed through the wall of the Library, its jaws barely missing him. The Spectres, however, weren't so lucky. They were crushed without a second thought by the Whale's massive jaws as it retreated for another go.

"We must hurry." The Judge hissed, brushing dust and metal off his body. "The Spectres are getting restless. If we persist here any longer, they will collapse the library."

"Don't need to tell US twice!" Alpha yelled, gliding over the destruction.

"Ditto." Omega murmured nervously, following suit.

The Batter nodded.  "Okay."

"We'll need to go out onto the balcony of this floor." The Judge purred, already setting off. "Once there, we just need to go straight along it until we reach another doorway, which will lead us to-"

"Don't tell me." Alpha sighed. "More stairs."

"More stairs."  The Judge confirmed. "But fear not, my spherical ally. It is the penultimate set before we reach the top of the library and Valerie."

"If we don't find anything there, I'm gonna throw you off this damn building." Alpha growled.

Omega looked nervously at The Judge. "Angst." She murmured.

 

* * *

 

 

"Oh dear." The Judge said as they emerged onto the balcony.

No less than three Whales were circling the library, searching for them.

"They haven't seen us yet…" The Judge muttered. "If we get to the doorway quickly enough, we may not have to antagonise them at all."

"Too late." Alpha replied, watching the Whales gradually begin to notice the four tasty intruders and charge.

"S-scatter!" Omega screamed as the Whales bore down on them.

With a crunch, the fastest whale rammed into the library, taking a chunk of it out with its massive jaws.

Then came the second; it decided to for The Judge, possibly due to him being the most defenceless looking of the bunch.

The Judge simply sighed as the massive cetacean charged. "I didn't want to have to do this." He purred. "Aneurysm Rupture!"

The Whale began to glow with a white light…

Then it exploded in a supernova of ectoplasm and light so powerful The Batter was almost blinded.

"Checkmate." The Judge said casually.

The other two Whales bellowed angrily before retreating.

The Batter stared at The Judge, rubbing his eyes. "Those Spectres backed off." He muttered.

"How observant." The Judge replied. "No wonder your puppeteer chose you to purify this land." 

The Batter ignored the remark. "Let's continue." He said. "Before they come back."

As they filed through the doorway on the right-most side of the balcony, The Batter looked back at where the three Whales attacked them. He couldn't believe the amount of power The Judge possessed, almost effortlessly taking down a powerful Spectre.

He could almost be a threat.

 

* * *

 

 

"One more flight of stairs to go." The Judge purred happily. "I am positively dying to meet my brother."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Alpha groaned. "I just wanna beat up whats-his-name, Japhet and get the hell out of this zone, so if we could make this little reunion quick…"

"Ah, Alpha! Long time no see, mi compadre!" A familiar voice called out.

"Oh, no." Alpha groaned.

"Yes, it is I." Zacharie chuckled. "Here for you in times of need!"

The Batter stepped forwards. "What do you mean?" He asked the masked man.

Zacharie laughed. "My event coding prevents me from telling you." He replied. "I am only here to fulfil my role as an RPG merchant. And an RPG merchant is here to sell and buy things from you. So, in lieu of that…"

The Batter sighed. "Ten Luck Tickets, five pieces of Belial's Meat, and the optimal gear for me and my add-ons." He ordered, forking over his credits.

"Here you are." Zacharie said, handing over the items. "Have a… nice… day. Just climb up the ladder there."

He pointed to his left – a ladder was indeed there, propped up against the wall. It looked almost suspicious.

"Thanks…" The Batter said awkwardly, taking the items and equipping them. He turned to the rest of his party. "Let's go."

And he began climbing up the ladder.

Up…

Up…

Up…

Until, finally, he reached the top.

He gasped.

The top of the Great Library was breathtaking for some very different reasons. The view was amazing – the rest of zone 2 lay sprawled beneath him, pink and metallic, with some tiny white ants that were the Elsen moving around sporadically. And above lay the eternal sky, blue and white, with the sun gazing down on the world.

But The Batter's attention was not focused on the buildings or the scenery. It was focused on the small, white furred cat that sat on the opposite side of the roof to him.

"Japhet." He growled.

"Splendid view, isn't it?" The cat purred. "Helps clear your head. I used to lie here for hours at a time, pondering. Watching over my empire."

The Batter raised his weapon, ready to fight. "Your empire is broken, Japhet." He spat. "Its people are neurotic and unstable, and you are as well."

"The people of this world are pathetic little creatures." The cat replied. "Fit only to serve us until their brittle bones break. It's more than they deserve."

Alpha joined The Batter at the top of the ladder.

"Whoa! What the hell?!" He cried. "Japhet's here!"

Omega flew up to join The Batter as well. "W-what's HE doing here?" She stammered.

The cat ignored the newcomers. "As I was saying, Batter." It continued. "The people of this world do not deserve luxuries or comfort. Look at where it ends up! This place is a mistake…"

It turned to face the purifiers.

"…and I am the eraser."

"You're sick." Alpha growled. "Just because you're a crappy leader doesn't mean you can take out your anger on your failed society."

The cat hissed. "What would you know about leadership, add-on? Look at who's controlling you!"

Before Alpha could respond, The Judge leapt onto the roof happily.

"There you are, Valerie!" He said jovially. "I have been looking everywhere for you! These three fine fellows are The Batter, Alpha and Omega. They've helped… me…"

The Judge frowned at The Batter, who was in his combat stance, and then at the cat, who was leering at them hungrily.

"-Valerie?" He said uncertainly.

The cat didn't respond.

"Valerie!" He shouted. "It's me, your dear brother!"

The cat looked at The Judge confusedly.

"Who are you talking to, feline?" He asked. "What are you doing here?"

The Judge stared. "It's me, Valerie." He purred desperately. "Pablo, your older brother!"

"V-valerie…" the cat murmured. "Oh… that… that is the name of the cat."

"That is YOUR name, Valerie." The Judge pleaded. "What has gotten into you? Come with me, back to zone 0.  I have built a little room underground where we and our friends can live happily for years to come."

He held out a hopeful paw to the cat, only to be pushed away.

"Insolent fool!" The cat snarled. "I am not Valerie, your idiotic brother! I am Japhet, the royal guardian of this zone! Take a look at my true face, you ugly brute!"

With a cracking noise, the cat's jaws began to open. What little fake life remained in its eyes faded as a tiny songbird crawled out of its throat.

The Judge gasped. "…Valerie?"

"No, fool!" The bird twittered. "It is I, Japhet! I have taken control of your pathetic brother. Too foolish to chew through a little bird, and look at where it got him!"

Japhet grimaced. "I am truly sorry… but he tried to eat me first, and in any case, I needed a more visually comforting host to help calm my people…"

The Judge didn't respond.

"Whatever." The Batter said. "Japhet, you are the cause of all the suffering in this zone.  I am here to purify you and put an end to this."

"D-dude!" Alpha cried. "You can't just say… 'whatever' to Pablo's brother being possessed! That's, like, unimaginable levels of douchebaggery!"

"I just did." The Batter replied coldly.  "What will you do about it?"

Japhet regarded the bickering pair, as emotionless as the husk of a cat around him.

"…Do not disobey me like that again." The Batter finished.

"Now then…" He grunted, hoisting his bat up, ready to swing. "Prepare to be purified, Japhet."

"I was waiting, Batter." Japhet chuckled. "But I will not go down without a fight. So… prepare to see my TRUE form!"

With an ear-splitting crack, Valerie's body began to contort. It writhed on the roof, elongating, deforming…

With a ripping noise, it began to burst, its gaunt body twisting and turning as some…thing began to emerge from it.

The Batter frowned as a massive, shadowy form spread its wings above him.

"I am Japhet, the guardian of zone 2." It cawed. "Let the battle begin."

Japhet's wings began to flex outwards and flap, lifting his massive body up into the air. The Batter noticed the ragged remains of Valerie clutching onto Japhet's neck, but didn't really care or comment about this.

"Alpha, Omega, go!" He cried out, gesturing wildly. "Take out his wings!"

"Will do, boss!" Omega yelled, charging towards Japhet's right wing. "This is… for Valerie!"

Alpha only hesitated for a split second before rushing up to join his ally in clipping the phoenix's wings.

Japhet screeched as the two circles flew around him, dodging his beak and claws. "You fools!" He cried. "Do you really think you can beat me? The thought is almost laughable! Take this!"

He opened his beak and shot out a beam of energy, hitting Alpha dead on.

"Alpha!" Omega cried as the add-on spun out of control. "H-hold on!"

She rushed to heal him with both competences and items.

"Hah!"Japhet scoffed. "Neutralised in a matter of seconds! You truly are-"

A beam of light erupted from somewhere on the Library roof, hitting Japhet square on the back of the head. He squawked loudly and flapped in a circle, looking for the source of the attack.

The Batter stood on the roof, nonchalantly pulling an item out of his pocket.

"Inspiration." He said calmly, shrugging. "Guaranteed damage, no hassle."

Japhet scowled. "No matter. They do birdseed for damage anyway."

He opened his mouth to attack the baseball player themed warrior…

"Oh, no you don't!" Alpha growled, hitting Japhet on the side of the head with a Chain Attack, forcing him to stop targeting The Batter.

"Though come to think of it… The Batter kinda deserved to get hit, after what he said about Valerie." Alpha thought to himself. "The guy literally got taken over from the inside by an angsty bird, and all he said was "whatever"…"

The sound of Omega whooshing past him brought him back to the battle.

"Hey, uh, Alpha?" She called out, dodging an Alto Ray from an angry Japhet. "Little help here?"

"There is no help OR hope for you, pathetic puppet!" Japhet cawed, snapping at Omega with his sharp beak and claws. "Are you really so blind that you can't see you are being manipulated?"

"The Batter's cause is just and fair!" Omega replied, bashing Japhet on the head in retaliation – he shrieked angrily and flew back a few metres. "It is you who are manipulative and blind, Japhet! You have done nothing to help your zone, instead deciding to sit in The Judge's poor brother's skin, blaming your people!"

Japhet snorted. "You think it's always been like this, add-on?" He flicked his long, whip-like tail as a warning to Alpha, who was trying to sneak up on him from behind. "I admit that I've sinned throughout my reign, but I always tried and had my people's best interests at heart. You think people are created either good or evil?"

Omega nodded uncertainly whilst simultaneously attempting to hack away at Japhet's wings.

Japhet snorted. "You fool."

"Omega, get out of the way!" a voice from the rooftop yelled. Omega looked down (Duuhhh she doesn't have eyes - SHUT UP!) to see The Batter standing there, aiming his Inspiration ray at Japhet. She obediently flew a good distance away from Japhet, who took the full force of the blast and was sent reeling.

"He's got to be down after that one." Alpha said confidently.

However, Japhet wasn't going to be brought down that easily. He recovered, and, with eyes full of malice, pulled himself into a diving position, heading straight for The Batter….

 

* * *

 

 

The Elsen yawned as he leant against the rubber barrier outside the Residential Area, watching the liquid plastic lap lazily against the metal ground.

Today was just going to be another day of safety…

Then, a loud noise from the Great Library shook him from his daydreaming. Looking around for the source, he saw that a huge white ray of light was shooting from the roof, piercing the heavens like a poisoned dart.

He frowned. What could it mean? Could it have something to do with the Guardian, what's-his-name… John? Jacob? Alex?

Ah, well. He probably had the situation at hand.

The Elsen turned back to staring at the plastic, losing himself in its pale watery depths…

He could be imagining things, but did it look a little TOO pale? Almost pure white, even?

Strange… even the metal he was standing on looked slightly white in some areas.

He tried to ignore it, as he did all strange happenings, and resumed staring out into the distance…

Then, not too far off, the plastic bubbled as some…thing surfaced...

The Elsen didn't even get a chance to scream as he was dragged into the whiteness.

 

* * *

 

 

The Batter watched as Japhet streaked towards him like a feathery bullet. Then, at the last second, he leapt out of the way.

Japhet shrieked angrily as The Batter leapt gracefully over him with incredible agility, poised to strike.

The bat came down on Japhet's unprotected left wing with a sickening crunch. Its owner twirled in the air helplessly, unable to control himself, before crashing into the roof of the library, lying still.

The Batter watched emotionlessly as Japhet struggled to get back up.

The guardian of zone 2 growled as his damaged wing threatened to buckle under the effort, but he managed to right himself with great pain. There was no chance of him getting back into the air in this state.

"So… the hero will… slay the beast." He panted, dimly aware of Valerie's corpse still hanging limply around his head, tattered and broken. "That is how this will end."

"Yes." The Batter replied simply.

"I… disagree." Japhet snarled.

He opened his beak to let loose a piercing Head-Voice with the last of his might.  The beam shattered windows, cracked metal and even parted the clouds closest to its source, so loud and powerful it was.

The Batter and his two add-ons were swept off their feet, Alpha and Omega cracking and blackening under its strength. When the ray cleared, there was nothing left on the roof apart from Japhet.

The fire bird groaned and slumped to the floor. "How did I become so weak?" He muttered.

"Good question." A voice behind him answered.

With a start, Japhet turned around too late.

The bat came down on his head with a crack that resounded through the still air. The guardian fell, defeated.

"It helps, doesn't it, having a puppeteer and a few luck tickets." The Batter thought out loud.

Japhet didn't respond.

For a while, there was silence. In the distance, some birds could be heard singing.

"You have been defeated, Japhet, guardian of zone 2." The Batter said.

"This land is now pure."

And then everything faded to white.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again. I hope you enjoyed my poor attempt to write stuff for a dead fandom.  
> I don't have a set update schedule, so... yeah.  
> Remember to comment. Y'know, if you like that sort of thing.


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